I hope we’ll get to look back at this time and say, “Wow, remember when…,” but right now we’re in the second week of “social distancing” or “quarantining” due to the COVID-19 virus.
In some moments I think, “I got this,” and in others I’m completely overwhelmed and experience waves of anxiety. Today was a particularly hard day. I’m not sure why it ended up that way. Maybe I was off. Maybe it was because it was snowing and felt even more cooped up. Who knows? But it was hard.
I’ve mentioned before that one of my daughters has extreme anxiety when taking tests. Today she had to take a makeup test, and boy oh boy, it did not go well. I really thought that this time we were going to get through it positively. We reviewed for a few days, made charts, wrote summaries, and even talked openly about her test anxiety and how to manage it. She was ready.
She looked at her test today, and everything we practiced, everything we worked on, went out the window in an instant. It’s hard to describe what that looks like. It’s so primal. She just loses control, screaming, yelling, and crying for hours.
In the beginning, I did a pretty good job trying to hold her emotions and offer support, but she just wasn’t in a space for anything rational. After going round and round for a long time, I lost it and did not act in a way that makes me proud.
Now, with the house quieted down and the kids in bed, I can reflect. I realize that I do have tools I’ve learned that I didn’t use when they were needed most.
Many of you have either read or heard me talk about Brad Reedy. He’s the clinical director of Evoke Therapy, the wilderness program our daughter Shoshana attended, and he’s written some amazing books (you can see them here: https://amzn.to/2UkS8fM). One of the most valuable tools I learned from working with the Evoke team and Shoshana was the “I Feel” statement.
It’s crazy how powerful this communication tool is, and I want to share it with you. Just remember, initially it may feel awkward, so be kind to yourself through the process. Slowly but surely, it will feel more natural. As I just told you, I didn’t use it today when it could have been really helpful, but it’s not too late. Tomorrow, when we’re calm, I’m going to ask for a do-over and give it a try.
I figured this would be a great time to talk about this concept.
The life circumstances we’re all experiencing are so unique and challenging. Most of us are stuck at home in confined spaces, with no clear end to this shutdown in sight. Having a communication tool in our back pocket can’t be a bad thing 😊.
So here I go. What’s the “I Feel” statement, and how does it work?
The “I Feel” statement allows two people to connect while also remaining separate. It’s the ideal balance in a healthy relationship: connection and separation at the same time.
The “I Feel” Statement
I feel __________ (emotion)
I feel this when __________ (description of event)
I feel this way because I think __________ (beliefs / interpretations / perceptions)
A hope within my control __________
A hope outside my control __________
One of the most common mistakes we make in the first part of the “I Feel” statement is adding the word “like” or “that,” as in “I feel like…” or “I feel that….” Using “like” and “that” turns it into a thinking exercise rather than sharing a feeling. So keep it simple and stick to an emotion.
The next part, “I feel this when…,” allows you to add your thoughts and give context to the feeling you’ve named. It can be helpful to imagine yourself as an outside observer of the event you’re describing. Otherwise, we can be tempted to influence or manipulate the listener. After describing the event dispassionately, you’ll have a chance to explain why you’re feeling the way you do in the next step.
For me, this is one of the hardest things to keep in mind. I have to make sure I don’t sneak in a lecture or repeat the same ideas in different forms to get my point across. Doing so would be an abuse of the spirit of the “I Feel” statement. It’s a mistake to use it to control behavior rather than to express yourself authentically and create emotional connection.
The next step is to distinguish internally between what is in your control and what is not. This gives you a chance to focus on your own wants, hopes, and needs. For parents, this can be especially difficult. We spend so much time focusing on getting our kids to change or deciding what their needs and wants are that we often lose sight of where they end and where we begin.
When we clarify what we do have control over and what we don’t, it can go a long way toward freeing us from guilt and unnecessary power struggles.
The final step allows us to express hopes and desires without being manipulative. It’s like a demand-free wish list, with no expectation that the other person comply.
I’ll share one of the “I Feel” statements I used with Shoshana so you can see how this works. And by the way, you can use this framework to express something positive or negative.
I feel hurt.
I feel hurt when you don’t let me hug you or get close to you.
I feel this way because it feels like you’re rejecting me and have a problem with me.
A hope within my control is to let you know how I feel when you shut me out.
A hope outside my control is that you can accept the love I want to give you.
I feel joy.
I feel joy when I see you being a great and loving sister.
I feel this way because nothing warms my heart more than seeing my children get along, especially given the unique way our family was created.
A hope within my control is to take things one moment at a time, enjoy the times you love your siblings, and be okay with the times you don’t.
A hope outside my control is that you’ll always be able to treat your siblings with respect and recognize how much they look up to you.
There is obviously so much more to say and explore when it comes to the “I Feel” statement, but I hope this is a good start :).
This is an amazing communication tool for anyone in your life. It’s not specific to a parent-child relationship.
Happy feeling!
Chavie
The distinction between control and no control in the framework is genius. It's counterintuitive how adding structure to emotions makes them more authentic, not less. I've notcied this with conflict resolution at work too, how naming what's actually in our power frees up energy wasted on trying to change unchangeable things. The reconnection/seperation balance feels especially relevant when everyone's stuck at home.
I do not know what to think , it has given me a lot to think about , Is it good or bad, this is what I have to process....