What's In Your Toolbox?

Originally published on www.clearasmud.blog on October 3, 2021.

One of the most common questions I get is, “How do you manage stress? How do you self-care? How do you juggle everything?”

Short answer: I don’t ;).

But I’m going to attempt to address some of these concepts: managing stress, self-care, and “juggling everything” in this post.

These are based on ongoing conversations I have with my therapist, and they are always evolving.

What does "juggling" really mean? What does “balancing it all" look like? How do you prioritize one thing when everything feels so important? What do you leave out—dinner or work? These questions loop in my brain. So here is my humble, non-professional, don’t-hold-me-accountable opinion:

Let’s face it: there is no way we are not going to drop the ball. Finding balance may be an elusive goal; it may not even be practical. I know it isn’t for me.

Great, so what’s the alternative? A better question I’ve trained myself to ask is: What needs my attention right now?

I know it sounds oversimplified and obvious, but usually the best advice is :). This simple question has gotten me out of some serious spiraling situations. Try it! You might be pleasantly surprised.

I do believe that having a toolbox of skills at the ready is a very positive thing. Everyone’s box will, and should, look different, but across the board you need a variety of tools for different circumstances. Sometimes what has always worked for you just won’t anymore, and you’ll need to try something new.

These are some of the things in my toolbox, lovingly curated throughout the years. I don’t use all of them at once, usually only a few at a time, depending on what’s effective and what feels right for where I am.

Therapy – I go once a week, pretty consistently. For me, therapy is long term. It helps me grow and pushes me out of my comfort zone.

Exercise – I go to the gym twice a week, and it’s a lifeline. I work out with a trainer and with people I love. I used to hate exercising; it took years to find the exact combo I enjoy. Don’t be afraid to change it up. We change, so we need different things as we move through life.

Meditation – This is not something I’ve mastered in the least, but I keep trying. There are many ways to meditate, and I know the value it holds, so I will continue to explore and keep at it.

Journaling – The kind of journaling I’m talking about isn’t keeping a diary. It’s more of a brain dump: writing down all the horrible things you’d never say out loud. Get it onto paper, then rip it up. You don’t need to see it again. It’s very therapeutic to put those thoughts on paper and out of your body. Remember, our body keeps the score, and when we hold all those intense emotions inside, it can lead to chronic pain and illness. Nicole Sachs is a great resource for this if you want to learn more.

Energy Work – This is huge and has many different facets. Some people might be resistant to it, and that’s ok. I’m just here to share my experience, and I can safely say this is one of the most important tools in my toolbox. The more I learn, the more I realize how much there is still to know. This world is made up of energy and vibrations. How can we not use that as a tool for healing? I’ve been open about my work with Moishe Weinbaum, who uses a variety of energy tools. There’s also so much you can do on your own. Kate Murphy from Kate's Clean Life is another amazing resource and close friend I’ve learned so much from over the years. I can say unequivocally, hands down: the biggest source of our negative state and poor health often comes from an unhealthy brain/emotional state, and the greatest source of healing will come from a conscious shift in how we think, what we say, how we feel, and how we act. How do you talk to yourself?! Guys, this is huge! I’ve recently started learning more about Bach flower remedies, and I’m fascinated and excited to bring this into my life. I’ll keep you posted.

Cold Therapy – I have found this to be extremely helpful. I fought it to the bitter end. I hate cold water, and I live in Montana! But I must admit, it’s powerful. There are many ways to do this: fill your tub with cold water and plunge, or end your shower with 30 seconds of cold water and gradually increase the time. Don’t knock it, like my husband does, until you try it :).

Breath Work – There are many ways to do this too. Google or YouTube are great places to find tutorials.

Pause – By this, I mean: if you’re in the middle of a really challenging moment, stop and tell yourself, this is hard. It’s amazing how much your body will relax when you lean in and acknowledge the situation, instead of pushing it away or beating yourself up for struggling.

Cry – “The organs weep the tears the eyes refuse to shed.” - Sir William Osler. Crying is a physical and emotional release, and we almost always feel better afterward. I’m not a crier, but I’ve been getting more practice lately ;).

Be Open to the World – You never know when you’ll come across something that will change your life. If you’re set in your ways and closed off to anyone who doesn’t think like you, you’re missing out! The more open you are, the more the world has to offer. It doesn’t mean compromising your values, not at all. It just means you understand there’s something to learn from every experience and every person. You can appreciate one thing about someone and disagree with another. I was raised in, and love living with, the beautiful Chabad Chassidic culture. I cherish it deeply, yet I always find that perspective comes from every human interaction.

It’s Ok Not to Be Ok – The way I internalize this is: I recognize that life is fluid. It has ups and downs. Sometimes our marriage struggles, sometimes our children do, sometimes we’re financially in the dumps, sometimes our social life stinks. If we can know it’s not going to be like this forever, and give ourselves permission not to be ok, it can feel like a big burden has been lifted.

That’s a pretty great toolbox right there, if I may say so myself :). I urge you to start building your own toolbox. It won’t happen overnight, and it will constantly change and evolve as you do. It’s worth the investment.

To be clear: there have been times when I’ve come up dry, when nothing in my toolbox was effective, and that can be pretty scary. But that taught me something invaluable: at the bottom of our toolbox, the foundation of it all, is faith. We must know that at the beginning and end of it all is G-d. We can do everything in our power, which is what is required of us, and then we let go and let G-d. I’m aware that a lot of us struggle with our relationship with G-d, and I’d venture to say this is a valuable place to put some energy and effort.

I’m sitting here writing this just after a huge holiday season. Seems appropriate, as most of us have been stretched to the limit. As we try to ease back into a more consistent routine, I hope you find something I’ve shared to be helpful.

I want to leave you with something my therapist shared with me over this holiday month, words that had a profound impact on me, that will stick with me, and are now part of my toolbox:

He said, “Chavie, here is what I hope for you: amidst the crazy (and trust me, we are talking crazy), when you notice something beautiful, a smile on your child’s face, your guests enjoying the food you worked so hard to prepare, even the sun shining on your face as you walk to Shul, stop and absorb it. Really feel it, even for five seconds. This will make all the difference in your body. We work so hard and often forget to enjoy the fruits of our labor, so we can’t squander opportunities to acknowledge that for which we have gratitude.”

So here is my hope for you, dear reader:

Life is joy, life is pain, and life is everything in between. Feel it all. Acknowledge the hard. Feel the beautiful. Don’t give up on this amazing life that Hashem has gifted us. Keep learning, keep evolving, keep growing, and don’t forget, you are never alone.

With all my love,

Chavie