Walking Through the Fire of My Life

Writing at 1:00 AM with no agenda.

It’s midnight on Saturday night (Shabbos ended at 10:13 PM), and I have a writing deadline.

It’s not like I didn’t know it was coming, I was thinking about it all week. And yet, inspiration did not strike. I find writing “on demand” extremely difficult. Also, sometimes it just needs to be done! Ultimately, I appreciate having these deadlines, but I would never be able to do it on my own; I’ve tried that and came up with every excuse under the sun not to write. Having someone to report to is a must for me (shoutout Elie). Writing, like every other skill we try to perfect, takes consistency and practice. If you want to be a good writer, you just gotta write.

I can usually take something from current life to write about, but I just feel tired. Nothing exciting or original is going on. As I was thinking about it during the week, this is what my inner dialogue sounded like: “What should I write about…”

That I’m praying that Menny should be successful in camp—they know this already.
Being a mom never ceases to humble me—they know this already.
Summer is hard—they know this already.
Thank G-d for nature—it keeps me sane—they know this already.
Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed by the future that it takes everything in me to stay present and not spiral. I think they know this already, but if they didn’t, now they do…

You get the idea.

I read this quote tonight from Melissa Singh (@yogifuel), and it really resonated with me:

“They asked me how I’m doing, and I didn’t know how to say ‘walking through the fire of my life and being transformed by its flames as I expand the capacity of my nervous system to hold the catastrophe of this experience,’ so I just said ‘I’m fine.’”

This may sound dark and depressing, but I don’t see it that way at all. I often talk about the many different—and sometimes opposing—emotions we hold as humans. And the truth is that I am fine :) More than fine. I love my life. I love my family so much that it hurts. I love what I get to devote my life to. I love my people. AND, AND sometimes it feels like I’m walking through flames. Sometimes the human experience is painful and hard. Sometimes I want to cry and scream that it’s too hard: PLEASE make it easier. Sometimes I feel so guilty and ashamed for even thinking that. You know the adage, “So many people have it so much harder. Get it together.”

And you know what? In all these messy emotions, in all the deep pain, the deep love, the caring, and the raw human-ness—is the beauty. It’s there. I know it. I feel it.

Writing at 1:00 AM with no agenda, after hearing the devastating news out of Texas about the kids who died from the flash floods, made me a lot rawer and more transparent than expected. But I know in my heart that I’m meant to share my experience, my feelings, my vulnerabilities, so you can feel seen and validated in your own experiences and emotions. While for some, this might feel like a lot to share, for me, it’s just right.

So, for whoever is walking through the fire of their lives (I argue it’s all of us at some point or another), I see you. I feel you. Don’t forget—the flames transform us, change us, expand our capacity. LET IT!

Love,

Chavie