Sometimes I Compare. Gasp!
A diary of the existential crisis currently on the menu.
It’s 4:30 PM. I just finished packing Menny for camp, and it hit me that it’s a “writing day!” So let’s quickly recap the first ten days of summer….
Zeesy, Menny, and Chana Laya all got a stomach bug on the same day (Menny was the kvetchiest, which tracks, due to his gender).
Chaya wrapped up 10th grade and came home.
Shoshana is back in town with a new puppy.
Amidst it all, I recorded for the pod.
Tourist season is in full swing.
I’m observing the dynamics of having big kids home all day vs. little kids.
Usually, when life is full and demanding, that’s when my brain decides it’s a perfect time to struggle existentially. Why not?
My current existential crisis has to do with confidence. I think of myself as a confident person, but every once in a while, I don’t feel confident. I question who I am and what I’m doing and wonder if the things I actually do make an impact.
“They” say don’t worry about what everyone else is doing… stay in your lane… know your worth… don’t compare!!!
And yes, all of those things are true, AND sometimes I compare, sometimes I forget my worth, sometimes I get jealous (yikes, I know), sometimes I worry about what everyone else is doing. People don’t like to admit these things, and as I’m writing, I’m like, ewww, are you really that girl??? I guess I am (sometimes). After all, these are all human conditions, and last I checked, I’m very human.
I do think some people struggle with these qualities more than others. I know where my work is, I know what I’m susceptible to, and I would say 70% of the time I’ve got it. I know how to push away negative self-talk; I know how to be so grateful for who I am and what I have to offer. And then there are some periods of time where I’m more impacted.
This Week’s Prompt
I think it’s a pretty tall order to be online, host a podcast that requires views, eyeballs, and likes, and not be affected by what you see around you.
Sometimes we feel like we’ve got the mom thing covered and can handle all the twists and turns, and other times we feel like we’re going to fall apart, and the future seems like a big black hole.
I don’t have any advice or any magical solutions. I think it’s a normal cycle of life. Especially when doing something new or big, the self-doubt, i.e., Yetzer Hara, creeps in.
When I’m going through these waves, I notice and acknowledge it. I get curious about it. And I also try to remember that it’s not going to last forever.
And I think that one can be a confident person who struggles with self-doubt sometimes. You can be in love with what you do and get stuck in occasional comparison. We are living a real life, not an affirmation postcard.
Chavie
If you happen to be on a long drive, or doing anything else, and need something to listen to, check out our last episode here!