Here’s the thing: if I’m having a rough time, I’m not going to be able to write about something random or stay surface-level. I really wish I could, because I don’t always want to share. I want to crawl into a hole and stay there until the storm passes. Unfortunately, in my situation, the storm ain’t going anywhere anytime soon.
Today is a writing day, so here I am, having a rough time. I’m confused, overwhelmed, and defeated. I don’t know how to organize my thoughts; I have so many brainwaves tumbling through my mind. What do I share? How do I share? I don’t want to sound like I’m a disaster and asking for negative attention, but all I can do is show up in the moment to what’s authentically true for me right now. I believe what comes from the heart enters the heart, so I trust that my words will be received with the intention with which I share them. I really hope the place that I’m in won’t last for too long, but it will be what it will be.
So, here’s what’s up, without all the details:
This summer really took a toll on me. Every summer does, and I try to prepare for it as much as I can, but so much of it is out of my hands. For many reasons, this summer in particular took it to the next level, and the day before school started, I finally cracked. I kept it together the whole time, and you’d think I could hold on for one more day, but what I realize is, I’m in so deep that even after they start school, I’m not going to suddenly be ok! I have a lot of emotions, and dare I say some trauma, stored in my body from the recent reality. I have learned and implemented many tools over the years, but these last few months, plus the stage of life my family is in right now, are really humbling.
What makes this feel more loaded and difficult is that we are in the month of Elul, when “the King is in the field.” Show up as you are, Hashem is inside of you, ask for what you want, surrender and accept. I’ve been listening and learning to so many beautiful voices on this subject, and I hear it, and it sounds right, it’s aligned.
Yet today, I broke down crying to my husband with so much pain, telling him that I don’t even know what any of this means. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I have spent so much time surrendering and accepting with love the life I have before me, and now I’m supposed to know how to ask for what I want and need. Intellectually, I know both these concepts work together, but practically, I’m stuck. I’ve spent so much time being a warrior, crushing each challenge that comes my way with a good attitude, for the most part, mind you. And now, when it all feels too much, I feel like I don’t have the skills to be not ok, to demand more.
So, my husband turns to me in my meltdown, and he says, “Do this. Cry to Hashem. This is what it looks like.” And I’m like, “Yeah, but I’m doing it to you, not Hashem….”
I don’t have any answers. This day doesn’t end with a resolution. Just me sharing my pain and my challenge. Many of you might read this and be like, what’s the big deal? Just talk to Hashem. And trust me, I agree, it’s just proving to be not that simple for me.
They say the challenges you experience in Elul shine a direct light on where your work is meant to be focused and what your next steps in life should be all about. Well, I guess when all else fails, at least I know that 🤷♀️🤣.
I did force myself out the door and got myself into nature, which always regulates me. I didn’t come home a new person, and all the challenges are still right where I left them, but it did make me pause, and it gave me a break from all the intensity. I will always be grateful for having Hashem’s beautiful world at my fingertips.
When this essay is published, you might find me hiding under my covers with a bit of a vulnerability hangover 🙊.
🩷 Chavie
P.S. I don’t feel comfortable sharing this on Instagram, but with my intimate Substack friends, I’ll share this post that puts words to so many of my experiences.
If you missed the last episode on the pod, it was an epic conversation with Naomi Salfati - @AstroTorah on Instagram. Highly recommend checking out this deep dive into everything astrology, including a live reading of my chart.
This is so so powerful. Thank you for sharing in the “during” and not waiting until the end. It is so powerful, so validating. I think when we work on ourselves a lot and grow, feeling set back is so frustrating and disappointing. The feelings that come to my mind are
“I thought I was past this” and “I don’t know if I have the strength to do this again” and “again? Did I make any progress”
Thank you. I think we are all here with you in the struggle. That’s the work, but it’s so so much better not to do it alone. ❤️
I don't know if I'm even supposed to be reading your posts, as they might be meant more for women. I probably get them because, at the urging of a friend, my wife and I gave some tzedakah to your and your husband's Chabad house. And n ow, somehow, I see your posts.
I relate to your struggles in my own way. I recognize our common humanity. I appreciate your vulnerability. I respect your goals. Thank you.
Yitzchok in Pittsburgh