Marriage Reflections

Originally published on www.clearasmud.blog on March 22, 2022.

Twenty years, BH! It Just feels so big.

I wrote this essay four years ago. As I read it now I’m struck by how much we have grown and how hilarious it is that so much is still the same. Marriage, right?! In all seriousness I’m feeling all the feels. It’s a huge milestone and I’m really proud of us!

Also, I just dropped a new episode on the Totally Unexpected! podcast that I did with my husband in honor of our anniversary. We go through our entire infertility and adoption story for the first time. This is a part two from last year’s episode where we walked through how we met, dated, got married, and moved to Montana! After this, what will we talk about next year?? I’m sure life will provide the content ;)).

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It’s intense enough trying to merge the lives of two humans, even without any extenuating circumstances. Too often when we are young and dealing with something big, a lot of the emotions and deep feelings get pushed aside due to a lack of tools or even a lack of awareness. We think we can move on by putting all our focus on solving “the immediate problem,” which in our case was figuring out how to build a family.

G-d had a very special life in store for us, and over the years we have encountered many life-altering challenges that constantly push us to dig deeper and deeper. Every time we find old wounds that we think are over and done with, they come back up. I’m talking all the way back to childhood. I’m sure you’ve heard about inner child work. Let me tell you, I really believe having a deep, meaningful partnership and being a present parent are very much dependent on addressing our childhood wounds.

We could’ve had the best childhood. We all have stuff. This is not blaming our parents for our struggles. This is about understanding why we do the things we do and why we make the choices we make. At times we could be operating out of fear or projecting our previous experiences onto our spouse or child. They are hard to confront, but facing them, understanding them, and having compassion for them is such a gift.

In the last sixteen years, these are some of the things we faced as a couple: permanent infertility, my husband’s mother passing away, adopting a preemie with a lot of medical trauma, adopting a child with a rare genetic disorder that took five years to diagnose, adopting our son who’s Black, and adopting a 12-year-old with an incredible amount of trauma.

After self-harm, attempted suicide, and other scary cries for help, it became clear that as much as we wanted to be able to handle it all without help, we couldn’t. Our daughter needed a protected and safe environment to work through all her traumas, so she went to a wilderness program followed by a year in a therapeutic equine boarding school.

To top it off, last year we had to send our eight-year-old son to treatment for severe behavioral issues. Having to do that twice for two different children hits hard. Not to mention running a Chabad center in a remote location with no family nearby. These life events take a toll, no matter how strong you are.

I mention all these experiences not because I’m into the comparative suffering game. I have no doubt that every single person in this world can make a list of challenges just as long. These just happen to be mine. The point I’m trying to make is that there are going to be obstacles in your life. They are going to affect you and your relationships. And that’s ok.

I can clearly remember the point in time when I realized it was time to go deeper. Sending Shoshana to wilderness was such a turning point for me and for my husband. When you have a child in treatment you are really confronted with your own baggage, and you are forced to face it head-on—for your child, for yourself, for your family. It opened a whole new world of pain and, as a result, profound healing.

Growth never stops. It evolves; it waxes and wanes. If we are in this world, we will be tasked with the mission of character development coupled with, and just as important, self-acceptance.

I have also learned that just as self-acceptance is important for how I view myself, it is vital for how I view my spouse. When we try to change who our spouse is we will hit up against a wall, and rightfully so. We cannot control or take ownership of our spouse’s struggles, behavior, or pain. We can only control our own. I know—not cool. I’m still learning that. I seem to know it and unknow it more times than I would like to admit.

I think as we grow older in our marriage things do get easier. You know each other better, and there is a certain comfort and ease. At the same time, as the family grows the challenges get more intense. There is a lot at stake, and that can feel scary. One of the ways we move through overwhelming situations is with humor—by not taking ourselves too seriously. Trust me, it’s a lifesaver.

My husband and I both have very strong personalities. I know, shocking. Our strength comes from different places. My husband leads with his intellect. He’s strong, a leader, and can take charge (Enneagram 8). I lead with my emotions. I have strong intuition and I’m very sensitive to energies (Enneagram 4).

The more time we each spend understanding what drives us, what circumstances provoke strong reactions for each of us, and what our core fears are, the less hold it has on us. When we can recognize the patterns that we fall into, or like our therapist likes to call it “the dance,” the less urgent and scary it feels.

We still find ourselves in the dance, but we both have made so much progress in recognizing and understanding how we got there, what the triggers were, and sometimes we can even turn it around in the moment.

So, on the eve of our 16th anniversary, I’m going to take a moment to be proud. Proud of our growth, proud of our perseverance, and proud of the beautiful relationship we have built despite, and because of, all we have been through together.

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To many more happy, healthy, action packed years,

L’Chaim!

Chavie