Quick note: This essay was originally published on the first iteration of this blog, Clear as Mud on November 21, 2023. We still have a few archived essays to share but once we’re through with the archive, the off weeks between new essays will be newsletters only.

I don’t have the words to explain how it feels to be living through the last six weeks. Honestly, we are all living through it, so you don’t need my words to address your lived experience.

These last few weeks, I was having this feeling like, “I wish I had something to say,” “I wish I could put some of my feelings into words,” “I wish I had the talent to write something beautiful and inspiring to comfort and uplift my followers, friends, and community.” Somewhere deep down, I knew that the time would come when I would have something to share, and all the while, I found so much comfort in reading and sharing the beautiful thoughts and posts from others.

I now know why all of a sudden I’m like, “Oh, I need to write a post ASAP!” I have all these realizations and ideas that are just swimming around in my head that I need to get down on paper, and they are all related to trying to navigate the mess of life we are living right now. I couldn’t share it right away or earlier on because I hadn’t lived it yet.

I have a lot of thoughts bouncing around in my brain and a lot of emotions swimming around in my heart. I will do my best to make it as coherent as I can:

This is the first war against the Jews that we are going through where social media is so prevalent and such a huge part of our lives. I’m really seeing the impact that it’s having on my nervous system. To be getting a constant stream of devastating news every time we open our phones is a reality that we are having to face. And I’m not sure we have the luxury of tuning that out. Every time I think I’ve figured out the balance that works for me, it goes to hell. Another layer to all of this is that not only are we witnessing tragedy in real time, but we are also privy to many people/influencers’ personal reactions, grief processes, and opinions.

I find that in addition to feelings of grief and overwhelm and helplessness, little feelings of shame start to creep in. Am I grieving enough? Am I grieving in the right way? If I’m trying to live, do my job, be a good mom, does that mean I’m not sad enough…? How could I function if I really absorbed it all?

And it doesn’t end there. Our nation, we Jews, are held to such a high standard. During all of this, the massacre, our soldiers at war, and the mass antisemitic cool club we are seeing across the USA, we are charged with the “simple” task of adding light. Of course, we do it, and frankly, we don’t know another way, but does anybody else feel the pressure?… I do! Just because we have no choice, just because it’s the right thing to do, doesn’t mean it’s not hard! It doesn’t mean that we are not left spinning with so many opposing emotions and dizzy with uncertainty and confusion.

Our nervous systems are struggling. They are under fire. Each of us in our own life is going to need to figure out how to move through this time. My way might not look like your way. It probably shouldn’t look the same; we are different people with different lives and circumstances.

I’m a sharer, so I’m going to share with you my process, what I’m trying to implement in my life, how I landed where I am now, and my very real struggles along the way. I hope you find some comfort in knowing there is another person out there struggling with real human emotions that we’d rather not acknowledge.

(Side note: As I’m writing this, we are waiting for news about the ceasefire/hostage situation, and my heart is beating and I’m on edge, as well as second-guessing my decision to write this article. Just putting it out there.)

During the last two months, I was pushed (due to circumstance) to spend more time than I would like reflecting and kinda analyzing the different layers of struggle I was having. Of course, what’s at the forefront, layer number one, are the tragedies and constant heartbreaking news all the damn time. Layer number two is the denial and gross hatred of Jews. Layer number three for me was more complex and harder to figure out. But I did 😉

My family life is quite intense. My children take a lot of energy, and therapeutic parenting is exhausting. Most of my kids are in a difficult stage right now (starting way before the war), and it leaves me very little room for other big life events or huge global tragedies.

It’s not really anything new, but the family Hashem blessed me with is unique and takes a level of presence and care that pushes me to my limits. One of the ways that has allowed me to show up for my family at my best is the ability to share parts of my life, to be seen, to have a creative outlet, and to feel worthy outside of my home life. Not to worry, I know that true self-worth comes from within. I work on that constantly, but it doesn’t hurt to find passion and fulfillment outside of yourself.

Two things happened for me.

One: so much mental and emotional energy went to the war, what’s happening to Israel and to our people, that I found myself with very little left for my family, which does not work. I know all families need their mom on point, but some families have a bit of wiggle room. Mine does not!

Two: my outlet, my place of release, became, first, scary, and second, not a place where I felt it was appropriate or comfortable to share things outside of war. That was hard for me, more than hard. It took a while for me to figure out that this is probably because it was an uncomfortable feeling and felt shallow and petty. Yet, it is what it is, and now that I know it, I can confront it and start to navigate it.

We are now many weeks into this war, and it feels appropriate and more of a necessity to figure out how to proceed. There are no rules, and I’m sure you’ll be seeing a lot of trial and error in how people process as we all try to live through this time. We are not moving on! That will never happen, but we are learning to live with it. We need to.

I don’t want to go to the other extreme and never look or know what’s going on (that happens from burnout; we flip all the way to the other side). I want to be connected to my people. I want to feel the pain of our losses and the joys of our strengths. So, I came up with a little plan for myself. It will always be a work in progress because things are so fluid, but at least I will have a foundation.

Every morning, I will start my day with Tzedakah and a few minutes of prayer. For the soldiers, for the hostages, for our people. That’s probably the most impactful thing I can do.

Regarding social media, I will devote a few minutes every day to sharing either something important, educational, or inspirational, and then I will respectfully and intentionally (which I’m sure you’ve seen already on my page and many others) share other parts of my life. Not for one minute does that mean I have forgotten or become callous to our current events. It’s me deciding to live, because of who we are, because this is the way I fight back against the evil of Hamas and the haters in our country.

May we merit the coming of Mashiach right now!!! The fastest way to come out of this darkness!

With love and hope,

Chavie

This Week on Totally Unexpected!

This week’s episode on Totally Unexpected! is with Erica Pelman, the founder of SHIFRA, the only Jewish organization in America helping women with unplanned pregnancies. She tells me about a call she received from a friend who was considering an abortion and how she felt like her hands were tied and there was nothing she could do to help. What touches me so much about Erica and the work she does at SHIFRA is that the only question that concerns her is: How can she help mothers and women? What is it that they need right now? If that saves the baby, great. Unfortunately, sometimes it doesn’t. But her mission is to help mothers, full stop. I found this so refreshing, especially in a space that is so crowded with debate about pro-life or pro-choice that sometimes we forget about the mothers and making their needs a priority. This also aligns so much with the Jewish perspective on abortion: the mother comes first, always. I hope you are inspired by this conversation and by Erica as much as I am.

Listen to the full episode right here on Substack, on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, or watch on YouTube, where we’re also sharing longer clips from the conversation.

Life at War