I am so excited to be back writing essays! We’re officially back to regular programming around here: an original essay one week and a newsletter the next :).
My flight was at 6:00 AM. That’s when we were supposed to leave, but lo and behold, I woke up to snow in Montana, which means we are back on the de-icing train and making flight connections by the skin of our teeth. I really wasn’t going to make it, with five minutes between flights, but I have a husband who works magic behind the scenes :).
Anyway, here I am on the way to New York, in a middle seat. It’s been a while since I wrote while on a plane, and I’m thinking about what I want to write about. My dilemma is that, on the one hand, I’m in a bit of a funk, and also I don’t want to be that person, ya know. So, I’m like, ok, we don’t have to get into it, let’s just keep it light and happy and not too deep. Sometimes keeping it surface-level is the right way to go. The problem is that I don’t really know how to do that 😬; I just draw a blank.
And let’s be clear, this isn’t necessarily a virtue. I think it’s so cool to be a little mysterious and not have everyone know how I feel all the time. I just don’t think that’s how I was wired, so you might be stuck with my true thoughts after all. Believe it or not, with whatever I do share, there is soooo much more (I guess I have a little bit of self-control after all).
Whenever I’m having a tough time, I notice that my body image takes a big hit. Not unusual; when we aren’t in a good place overall, it usually shows up in all areas of our life, at least for me. Today I feel like focusing on the body image piece because it’s been particularly loud this time around.
So much of how we feel in our bodies is connected to our mental health, the things that are in our heads, and what we tell ourselves. You can be the same exact size, no changes at all, and one day feel great and the next day feel terrible. In general, I am stable in this area of life, but it takes intention and effort on my part. Occasionally, my body image takes a really big hit, and it’s no fun. The problem is even worse when I take what’s in my head and then find physical proof for how I feel.
In my case, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to take an “InBody” scan (a special scale that gives you all the data) at the gym, and the results were not good! All the things that I was feeling, I could now see in real, tangible numbers. And off on a real spiral I went. So not only were these negative thoughts in my head, but it was also real and I had proof. I was so upset, frustrated, and disheartened. I work hard in my workouts, and I eat well, so it doesn’t seem fair.
I think of two specific things that make it even harder recently.
As a society, we have shifted back to the “skinny is best” attitude. I have not been shy about my opinion on GLP-1s, etc., and it hasn’t changed, but I find myself going to that place of “screw it, I also want to lose those stubborn 10–15 lbs.” I look around and “everyone” is getting thin, and I feel like the last one who hasn’t jumped on board (I know that I’m not the only one, but I think we can all relate to that feeling at some point or another). It’s so tempting!! But in my gut, I don’t believe in it, and it’s not what I want to do, but that leaves me with contending with the body that I have and really standing by what I feel is right (for me), and it’s hard and uncomfortable.
I see a lot of videos and pictures of myself. Having my own podcast, being a guest on other podcasts, being on social media, and having a pretty public life in general really messes with me. I’ll see a video or photo of me, and I’ll be like, is that how I look!?!? And I freak out. And then I’m like, what’s real? The mirror or the photos? 🤦♀️ It’s a very easy way to not trust myself.
When I’m in these moments, my brain takes me to two extremes. I fluctuate from “I need to buckle down, track my calories, work out more, and just get locked in” to “forget it, what’s the point anyway, I’m just going to let go, eat whatever I want, never step on a treadmill again, and screw it all.” Neither of these paths are right :), it’s me being very reactive and scared. Don’t worry, I’m not doing any of those things.
Here’s what I am doing:
A) Not changing anything practically right now.
B) Sitting with all the uncomfortable feelings, even though I want to run for the hills.
C) Practicing some gratitude for the body that I have, doing some self-talk about what my body has been through and how it has still served me faithfully.
D) I booked a styling session with Mussie Kreiman, and it’s amazing, as always. She helps put fun outfits together that make me feel good.
E) And then, of course, good old-fashioned therapy never hurts. You gotta have someone ban you from going on the “InBody” ever again :).
I think many women struggle with this, and it might just be part of our work. I’m not sure that I’ve ever met anyone for whom this doesn’t take up at least a little brain space. I’m learning for myself that this is part of my story. Sometimes I don’t think about it at all, and sometimes it’s very big. Either way, it’s ok; it’s not fun, but no drastic measures need to be taken. I can be uncomfortable, I’ll survive, and when the panic settles, I can decide if and when anything should be done about it.
So now you know beneath the surface :).
✌️Chavie
P.S. If you haven’t listened to last week’s episode of Totally Unexpected! with Blimie Heller yet, go check it out! There are so many brilliant nuggets in this episode: the idea that we can’t actually control our kids, and that this isn’t a contradiction to effective, healthy parenting; the idea that conflict doesn’t mean something is wrong, because conflict is normal!; and especially examining what successful parenting actually is. Do you want “good” kids who are compliant, or kids who feel safe to be who they truly are?