Hold You Me
Originally published in Clear as Mud on August 6, 2020.
Between world events and family milestones, the word trust has been coming up a lot for me lately. What does trust mean to me in the context of my relationship with G-d, and how does it show up in my relationship with my kids?
Very often, I find myself getting into a "trust battle" with my kids. Have you ever experienced this? I hope I’m not alone; it would definitely make me feel better.
Perhaps you’re wondering, What the heck is a trust battle? I had never heard of this term before—I just made it up. It’s how I describe what the experience feels like. It happens with kids of all ages. We want our kids to be honest with us so that we can “trust” them. Many times, I have used trust as a semi-threat, like, “I’m not going to be able to trust you if….” I don’t usually see positive results from that type of conversation.
Yet, there is a flip side, which often comes to light when parenting a teenage daughter, as I do.
Our poor kids are exposed to far more than their developing brains are equipped to handle. (I’ll share my opinion about smartphones and social media for teenagers another time.) Us moms are smart—we know when we’re not getting the full story from our teens. We try having conversations, but for me, they usually end up with my kids saying, “Well, you don’t trust me anyhow, so why should I even try?” Basically, they use trust as a threat right back at me. It’s almost as if I now have to prove to my child that I do trust them (which I probably don’t), because I want them to trust me so that they will talk to me. It’s pretty much a lose-lose situation. And let’s not forget, it’s definitely not my responsibility to convince them of what they should think and feel. So, trust becomes a trigger that ends up hurting the relationship instead of building it.
With guidance from awesome professionals, I’ve received a lot of tips on how to address and talk about trust in a more practical way. For example, with elementary-aged children, I found it beneficial to talk about the actions that build trust and the things that break trust. This transforms a really abstract concept into a more concrete one. For a while, I had a trust cup for each child, and when they did something that built trust, I would add some beans to the cup. It’s not magic and it’s not a standalone idea, but it did help them process the concept: “Oh, when I lie to my mom about doing my homework…that breaks trust.”
When dealing with teens, however, I found the concept of trust to be more elusive. We can talk about what breaks and builds trust, but what is trust exactly? It’s more than just actions. How do we ensure that we don’t get caught in the battle of “You trust me, you trust me not”?
My 16-year-old daughter Shoshana (Omg, it’s really hard to wrap my brain around the fact that I have a 16-year-old) is coming home soon after being enrolled in a therapeutic boarding school for over a year. I’ve shared bits and pieces of our journey with Shoshana on different occasions, and a blog post about that is in the works. But briefly, for those who aren’t familiar: We adopted Shoshana four years ago when she was twelve. She’s a really cool kid and super awesome! She has dealt with more in her short life than most people experience in a lifetime and needed a safe and qualified place to process and work through her challenges.
Why am I telling you this?
Every week, we have a group therapy session (over Zoom, which existed way before Covid) with Shoshana, her therapist, my husband, and me. These sessions are super powerful and have facilitated so much growth between all of us. As she gets closer to coming home, we’re hoping to prepare ourselves for the most success possible. So, I brought up the topic of trust with the intent of being open and honest about how it has affected our relationship until now. What ensued was the most amazing, raw, and honest conversation.
To sum it up, how do we trust and be trusted by someone? Vulnerability. Light bulb!!!! When we can be vulnerable with someone, by sharing whatever our truth is and trusting the other to hold us and our truth, no matter what, that’s trust. When we do that, no matter what information needs to be conveyed—even if you have to own a major mistake—you can do it. You can speak with integrity and honesty, knowing the other person can hold it. And that is something every one of us can do in our relationships. You start being that person who can hold another. Your child, spouse, or friend will feel that they, too, can be vulnerable with you, and the trust circle is built!
This leads me to share the background of the title of this post: “Hold you me.” My three-year-old, Chana Laya, says this to me when she wants me to hold her. Besides being absolutely adorable, it struck me. This epitomizes what our kids need from us—they need us to hold them, to truly hold them, not only physically but even more so emotionally. And when we do so, it is the foundation upon which mutual trust is built. So, every time my baby says, “Hold you me,” I remind myself that I am the container that can hold my children, no matter what!
As far as my relationship with G-d, I apply the same principle. I trust that Hashem can hold me—everything about me: my ups and downs, my challenges and triumphs. When I put my trust in Hashem, He puts His trust back in me, and that’s what starts my spiritual circle of trust.
So…