First Time At Nova

A whirlwind trip to Israel that where I prioritized being present over doing it all.

Yes, I went to Israel for just two days, and I’m so glad I did.

Let’s back up and chat about how I ended up in Israel—and why for such a short time. My husband’s family does this beautiful thing: they have a very large extended family with people all over the world, and since it's impossible to attend every simcha, for each wedding, the adults in the family are entered into a raffle. The person who wins represents the family at the celebration.

I was the lucky winner.

It can be a little intimidating to show up at a wedding of a relative on your husband’s side, especially one you don’t know and who doesn’t speak English. But I felt like this was an opportunity I didn’t want to pass up. After weighing my options and listening to my intuition, I decided not to stay in Israel for Shabbos. Instead, I’d have an amazing, super-intentional two-day trip. Being there for Shabbos on my own just didn’t feel right, and while it was hard to leave, I’m happy with my decision.

Knowing I only had two days, I thought carefully about what I wanted to do, while, of course, leaving time for the wedding. I knew I wanted to go to the Nova site—I couldn’t imagine being in Israel and not paying my respects to that place and those people. It’s a location that breaks every beating heart and tells the devastating story of October 7.

Living in America, we try to stay connected with what’s happening for our brethren, but we’re, in fact, quite disconnected. Not because we’re doing anything wrong, but because, in reality, we’re not there. We aren’t living in an active war zone, so we don’t have the same experiences. I felt it was important for me to bridge that gap a little and step into the reality on the ground.

I did have some concerns and insecurities about going.

What if I’m numb and don’t feel anything?  

What if I feel too much?  

What if I can’t connect?  

What if I do it all wrong?

Throughout this last year, I’ve struggled with feeling inadequate, wondering if I’m experiencing the “right” amount of pain for all the tragedies we’ve seen. I worried that maybe going to Nova would amplify that.

I talked about it in therapy and shared how confused and unsure I felt. My therapist encouraged me to show up, reminding me that there are no right or wrong feelings. We all know this, but I need reminders all the time. To be present, to touch the ground, to close my eyes and listen, to open my eyes and take it in, to use all my senses to absorb the experience without any expectations.

Whatever happens, whatever comes up, is okay.

Since I was staying in Jerusalem and the wedding was in Bnei Brak, my husband arranged for a tour guide to drive me to Reim, where the Nova festival took place, and then on to the wedding. It was a full day in the car, lots of driving, but I am so grateful I did it.

First, driving south past all the kibbutzim and locations we’ve been hearing about on the news was surreal. When we arrived at the memorial site, I felt it in my body. I spent an hour walking through, stopping at each name, reading about these beautiful souls, and practicing the sensory experience we talked about in therapy. I didn’t rush or visit every stop along the way because I knew I couldn’t do it all. Whatever I did, I wanted to do it wholeheartedly.

It’s hard to explain what it felt like. The thought that keeps coming back to me, that bounces around my head every time I think about it, is that I was on sacred ground. I felt the energy and pure holiness of these souls, who were murdered just for being Jewish. I can’t fully explain it, but it was so impactful that I felt humbled in the face of greatness.

Everyone will have a personal and unique experience in places like this. We’ve been inundated with images, thoughts, and emotions, with ideas of what we should or shouldn’t do, how we should or shouldn’t feel. I wasn’t sure if I would share this, because I didn’t want to add another voice that might interfere with your own experience. However, after going, I realized that if someone I knew went to honor our family, our loved ones, I’d want to know how it felt for them. Not everyone gets the chance to go to Israel or to be present with our brutal yet resilient history. I had that privilege, so I wanted to share my unfiltered experience. Maybe it will help you feel a little more connected, or maybe it will encourage you to go if you find yourself in Israel.

I truly encourage you to visit the Nova site. It will leave a profound, lasting impact. I know it’s not easy or comfortable to face such a mass tragedy head-on. I felt like I needed to. I only had two days, and I’m so glad I took one of them to do this.

I made it to the wedding just in time, and it was a beautiful transition from a place of pain and loss to the joy and perseverance of our people. I was welcomed with open arms. Nobody there had ever met me, but they were thrilled to have me, and I felt so honored to represent the fabulous Bruk family I married into.

I’ve been honest with y’all, so here’s another confession: The next morning, during my last few hours, I went to the Kotel and this time, I didn’t rush. It’s the first time I went for more than five minutes. I prayed. I sat. I meditated. I felt. It was glorious.

I’ve always loved and appreciated Israel, but I’d never felt such an intense pull and connection. This time, I did. This time, it took everything in me to get on that plane home. This time, I felt it in my soul. There was an unbelievable mix of strength and, yes, even joy, despite the constant reminders that we still have hostages who aren’t home and soldiers who have lost their lives defending us. There were signs with faces everywhere you go, flags for the hostages at every intersection, tables set at every restaurant for the hostages. There is no nation like ours, period.

I even managed to spend time with a childhood friend from Texas and a soul-sister who lives part-time in Montana and part-time in Haifa.

All I know is that I need to go back soon. Two days was a major tease, but I’m amazed at how much I fit in.

AM YISROEL CHAI

Don’t you forget it!