A Stream of My Consciousness

Writing my thoughts exactly as they appear in my mind.

I recently read a book in which one of the perspectives was written as if we were inside that character’s head—essentially a stream of consciousness.

At first, I couldn’t make sense of it. It felt so disjointed, like I was reading a bunch of half-sentences jumping from one topic to the next. It was hard to follow and genuinely confusing. I almost gave up on the book.

I really don’t like starting a book and not finishing it (I know—it’s silly; protect your time and peace and all that—but it’s a thing). So before I gave up, I did a little research to see if I was missing something… or if I was just crazy. Turns out, I wasn’t crazy—or stupid. The book alternates between two brothers: one written in a more traditional narrative style, and the other in this stream-of-consciousness format.

I had never read anything like it, but once I understood what was going on, it started to fall into place. I was able to lean in and actually appreciate why the author chose to write it that way.

I don’t know if it would make it onto my favorites list, but it was definitely compelling and unique. I appreciated being exposed to a different kind of storytelling. In fact, I’ve come to think of it less as a writing style and more as a brain dump—like getting a front-row seat to someone’s raw, unfiltered thoughts, before they’re organized, before they make sense, before they’re “acceptable” or “appropriate.”

It’s random, but that book popped into my head this morning—Tisha B’Av morning, the saddest day on the Jewish calendar—when we mourn the destruction of both Holy Temples and so many other tragedies that happened on this day. I’m sitting in bed, trying to figure out what to write for my essay, and all I’ve got are scattered, half-formed thoughts bouncing around in my head.

Sometimes I have a clear topic or cohesive idea I want to share. Other times—many times—I don’t. So I thought to my exasperated self: maybe I should just put pen to paper and write the thoughts as they are. If an established author can do it, maybe I can too…

I can’t believe I woke up with a headache on a fast day, hostages are still in captivity, I don’t like fasting, but this fast is only 25 hours long and there are still hostages being starved for almost two years at this point in Gaza… I don’t understand what G-d’s plan is and I’m annoyed. Oh, it’s 10:00 AM and there are kids screaming and fighting…it’s gonna be a long day…I think maybe I won’t leave my room, ha that’s a cute thought, haven’t we suffered enough as a people, it’s confusing sometimes to balance joy and pain, whatever we are even doing, the world is stupid, why am I hungry already, I resent fast days like what’s the point, I probably shouldn’t think that I definitely shouldn’t ever say that out loud. I mean I know the point but it’s hard to be present with the point.

Where did critical thinking disappear to? I want to scream at the world, I’m tired, haven’t been sleeping well, ugh I get anxious about the lack of sleep and the consequences, I actually hate sleeping, who cares what the world thinks can we just finish this war already, I should get up and be a good mom, nope don’t want to, 5 more minutes, only 11 hours left, get over it there is crazy suffering you can go one day without food, yeah shaming always works, it kinda does sometimes. You get the idea. I could go forever as our brains don’t really stop. Ever. This is probably where the concept of journaling came from. Getting your unorganized jumbled thoughts out, creating space, clearing out some of that clutter. I’ve never been a journaler. Every time I tried, I would be blank like all a sudden my brain had no thoughts. I think in the back of my head that I still felt like it needed to make sense or be somewhat coherent. I think I was really missing the point, just writing every single thing that pops into your head without judgement has a lot of merit. Of course, I will try this for the first time on a public post, but I really think I can get behind this. Give it a try, write down every crazy thought, no rhyme no reason. No shame. Maybe you do have to be an established author to get away with this as a public post but are there really any rules?…. You definitely don’t need anyone’s permission to do this for yourself. It’s pretty heavy and confusing out in the world. We gotta put it somewhere. Anyway, I shall now get up, get dressed, show up and do this day the best way I can.

I’m grateful to somehow feel safe enough with my audience to share my stream of consciousness. Thank you.

Love,

Chavie