A Place Where I Can Hear Myself Think

Journal entry from my annual yoga retreat in Mexico.

As I write today, I’m sitting in Mexico, looking at the beautiful ocean, and it’s 75 degrees. I feel a bit spoiled, in the best possible way. I’ve been coming to this yoga retreat for the past seven years, organized and led by my friend Paola from Bozeman.

This retreat does something for me that nothing else does; it hits the spot. It’s in a magical place, with wonderful people, and great yoga. There is a two-hour yoga practice in the morning and 1.5 hours of yoga in the evening before dinner. The in-between hours we spend as we wish.

The Casita

I should mention that one of the unique aspects of this location is that it’s super integrated with the environment; you are totally immersed, even absorbed, in the natural landscape, in G-d’s beautiful creation.

There is no electricity in the casita (cabin, but it’s nice, ya know). At night, I light a candle in an old-fashioned kerosene lamp. There are no walls, so I’m sleeping in a comfortable bed, but I’m outside. It’s hard to explain in detail, but it’s glorious.

This is the place that taught me to love my own company, to enjoy being alone, to revel just in being.

I always bring a book and some things to do, but every time, without fail, I find myself hardly opening my book. Instead, I walk the property, sit and enjoy the beautiful view of the ocean, get lost in my thoughts, and I can hear myself think. When you’re away from your responsibilities and daily tasks, there is space for reflection. I find that I think a lot about where I am, where I’m headed, and, of course, I spend a good amount of time thinking about the kids and parenting. But it doesn’t feel mentally stuck or emotionally frustrated. Being outside of my regular environment helps me gain a fresh perspective. Sometimes we need to remove ourselves to get some clarity. And sometimes we don’t get the needed clarity, and it’s just the start of the process.

The combination of yoga, which puts me deeply in touch with my physical body and breath, and the ocean, birds (I mean, I saw parakeets and hummingbirds while doing yoga), flowers, and sun puts me in touch with my soul. All of it together creates the optimal setting for a true self check-in.

I’m a little more than halfway through and at this point, I feel some clarity in certain areas of my life. In other areas, I feel just as uncertain as when I came. Mostly, I feel so at peace, grounded, and relaxed. My nervous system is very happy with me right now. Even though when I get home in a few days and get thrown back into the daily grind of life, where these feelings may feel like a distant memory, I don’t discount the break and the pause from the intensity of life. And I think I get a bit better at integration every year.

I also think, with each passing year, I get better at handling the emotions and self-judgment that I have around going. I hate that I’m susceptible to the guilt and shame that women have around taking time for ourselves. It’s so cliché. I wish I was above it, but I am not. I have spent a lot of time working on that. I see the value and the importance of it, so I get comfortable with going even when I’m somewhat uncomfortable. If I waited until I felt completely at ease, guess what? I would never go!

So, I get on the plane feeling a bit yucky, with a healthy dose of guilt coming along for the ride. Honestly, I was surprised with how much I struggled with guilt this year. Like, come on, I’ve been doing this for a while—what gives? I think I was feeling more unsettled because I had a harder Shabbos with the kids, and I was leaving early Sunday morning. It didn’t have everything wrapped up in a bow.

I know many of you are curious about kosher food and such… I’m very lucky that my friend Mushky Hecht lives an hour away from where I am, and she takes amazing care of me :). Her Chabad House offers delicious catering, and I’m the beneficiary of her five-star meals. After a few years, I really have it dialed in.

It’s not for everyone to go on a retreat that’s not catered to the kosher/religious lifestyle. It works for me and it’s part of the adventure. It allows me to experience opportunities that otherwise wouldn’t be available to me.

I don’t mind a bit of inconvenience or the creative workarounds.

The other thing I contend with is fear of judgment. I know I want to be above that one too. I’m aware that this isn’t an hour massage or even a weekend retreat. It’s a full week, and it feels extravagant. But at the end of the day, I know this is good for me and I have the support and encouragement of the people that matter (which I don’t take for granted for a single second). So, we let go of the fear of judgment—it’s a waste of time and energy—and we live our best life!

L’Chaim!

Chavie