Sooo we just released the 50th episode of Totally Unexpected! and I am kvelling. Yes, I get to use that word for this occasion ;).

For this milestone episode, my guest was therapist, coach, and host of Tribe & Tribulations, Julia Makowsky. I’ve always loved her energy and the fresh points of view she shares on Instagram, and she did not disappoint, lemme tell ya. We talked about her life story, how she became a therapist, the difference between coaching and therapy, and how her own personal observance has evolved over the years. It’s a deeply personal and honest conversation that I learned so much from.

Buttt the big surprise comes at the end of the episode.

Remember when I asked you a couple of weeks ago which previous guests you’d want to hear from in the voice note section of the podcast? Well, you answered, and we went and asked those guests what they’re up to since their interview on the pod, and if they had any thoughts or reflections looking back on their conversation.

Hearing from them again felt like such a beautiful way to celebrate this milestone episode. Fifty episodes means fifty conversations, fifty stories, fifty unexpected moments, and so many people who have trusted me with pieces of their lives. I don’t take that lightly.

So go and listen, especially to the end, and then tell me what you think!

Thank you so much for being on this journey with me. I can’t wait to share the next 50 incredible stories on Totally Unexpected!

Love,

Chavie

A little while ago, I heard an interview with Jonathan Haidt, author of The Anxious Generation, where he talks a lot about social media and screen time and the effects it’s having on all of us. He says something really interesting: in short, there is a big difference between scrolling through short videos that are nonstop stimulation versus sitting down and watching a long-form show. And what’s even better is, if you do allow your kids to watch every once in a while, you should sit down with them and make it a family experience and another opportunity for connection. In general, anything you can do as a family, making mundane things feel special, is always a win.

Anyway, this all comes to mind now because I’m sitting here watching the World Cup with the kids :)

We have been a screen-free family for many years. I don’t shy away from talking about it, and it’s definitely not my goal to convince you one way or the other (unless you really want me to :)). We are screen-free not because I think any amount of screens is bad. Trust me, if we could handle boundaries and moderation, I’d be all in, but we can’t, so here we are. It’s actually been interesting to see how this develops as my kids get older. We have tried incorporating some versions of screen time (no phone whatsoever or social media) here and there. It’s a work in progress.

Back to the World Cup… definitely an opportunity to make an exception and for me to make an effort to be a part of it. They just love it when you’re with them. It was fun, although watching a game that took two hours for a goal to happen takes a lot of patience :). But we got into it, and I enjoyed taking time to engage with what they are interested in. I did try to sneak some writing in, but in the end, I gave up, decided to be fully present, and came back to it now that it’s over.

It was quite the experience, with Menny rooting for Argentina and Chana Laya, probably to be contrary, rooting for Spain.

Any time that I spend with my kids, even if it’s watching a game, I glean insight into where my kids are at. It’s pretty fascinating. And I hope they are taking notice and absorbing all the many lessons a team sport has to offer, especially watching the team that you hoped would win lose, and how they handle that with grace.

No surprises after the game. We had all the behaviors that I expected (but was secretly hoping this time would be an exception), but I feel good about it anyway. First of all, you can’t be too rigid. That doesn’t do anyone any good. It’s important to have flexibility and exceptions to rules. Also, it helps me keep tabs on where my kids are at. Have they made any progress? Can they tolerate more than they used to, etc.?

If you want to hear more about our screen-free journey, let me know. I’ll be happy to fill you in :).

Chavie

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If you didn’t have a chance to listen to last week’s episode with Sonia, I highly recommend!! Next week we are celebrating EPISODE 50 and I have some surprises in store for you, stay tuned.

On Sunday, I made a quick trip to New York to finally deal with a wig I had ordered for Menny’s Bar Mitzvah. When it came, the color was too dark and I had to send it back. But since it was the height of the war, everything was taking longer, so I didn’t end up having it in time.

Living in Montana, maintaining a wig is just so hard. Every time you really need to work on one, you have to fly in, and sometimes it takes a couple of years before you actually get a wig exactly where you want it.

A lot of women learn how to wash and set their own wigs because they can’t easily travel to get them done, and people are always telling me, “I can teach you. You can learn.” And I’m like, I’m not interested in learning. I don’t want to do that myself. I have to be self-sufficient in so many areas of my life, and I just do not want to wash my own wigs. I know I can learn. I know I’m capable. I don’t want to. So sometimes I wait months and months, and sometimes I literally fly to New York just to take care of my wigs. It’s not something I do often, but it is, apparently, part of what I’ve got to do.

Buying a wig is also such a strange mix of risk, faith and hoping for the best, because you truly have no idea if you’re going to love it until you buy it and start wearing it. I’ve had wigs that were amazing from the start, and I’ve had wigs that, no matter what you do, just never work. It can be a lot, and it can be really stressful, but I’ve learned not to get too caught up in it or expect perfection. A wig is a wig. It’s never going to be your hair. I’ve stopped trying to make it look exactly like my hair or feel exactly like my hair, because it isn’t. Sometimes it might even look like you’re wearing a wig and guess what? You are!!! Accepting that has helped me let go of a lot of the anxiety around it. Thankfully, this trip was a good one. I really like how it came out so far, and there is honestly nothing better than leaving New York with your wigs fresh and clean.

On my way to the sheitel appointment.

What the wig studio looks like.

My wig after a six month wait! The first time around, the hair was so dark we had to send it back.

Making sure it fits perfectly.

The master @salonleah at work.

Wearing it for the day to see how it feels and if I want to change anything,

I don’t have much more to report back to you guys except my interview on Human & Holy came out last week and I’m so excited about it. Tonia is amazing and I loved being in her studio in person and getting to play the role of guest on a show for once, waltzing in and just having the most delightful, deep conversation that Tonia is such a master at cultivating. Must listen. Or watch!

Yesterday’s episode on Totally Unexpected! was an absolute first for me. Sonia is the daughter of a Jewish mother and Palestinian father. She wrote a book, The Roots of the Guava Tree, about her struggle to understand her identity. It was fascinating to hear the story from her first hand on the pod. Take a listen!

Hi from Big Sky!

We decided to drive the hour up for a Sunday Funday with the two kiddos who are home. I was second-guessing my decision when we were having some trouble in the car, but we settled down after a few minutes.

We booked tickets to go up to the peak riding the scenic tram, and as we walked up to show our tickets, they closed it due to lightning and an incoming storm. Classic. I think this tram is closed more than it’s open, honestly. There are some other activities for kids up there, but all of them were closed until the weather cleared up. So, we found a coffee shop to get some decaf iced coffee (big treat) and call it a day.

We are driving home now with Kivi and Tuki playing in the background, and I’m taking the opportunity to write to you.

Earlier this week, my very special friend Jen, who lives in Alaska, was visiting Bozeman, and we got to hang out for a few hours. It wasn’t enough, but we packed in a good visit with the time we had available to us. Jen’s energy is magical! Most befitting, since she is an energy healer. Anyway, we get deep fast, and we talked about everything!

Of course, one of the hot topics we talked about is how little control we have over our lives and how hard and annoying that can be. Which brought me to a discussion I had recently with my 🥁🥁🥁 therapist.

I often want to have the answers to all the questions and solutions to all the problems (I’m pretty sure most of us do!). Like, fine, give me the challenge, but also maybe give me a hint on how I should handle it, what choice is the right choice…. So many times, I feel lost and confused. So many times, I get asked, what are you going to do about this, or what are you going to do about that? It would be so nice to have the answers, to be able to have a plan all laid out.

That is when my therapist said to me, “I don’t know” is a full answer. Yeah, I know it doesn’t sound earth-shattering, but let it sit with you for a minute. Intellectually, we know this, but we don’t actually let ourselves embrace it in our bodies. I can’t really explain it, but when I leaned into that, I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. It’s not even about having answers for everyone else; it’s about me. I give myself full permission to face a problem or a challenge and to tell myself that I don’t know how this is going to go. I don’t even know what choices I’m going to make. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. I just don’t know. One foot in front of the other. You’ll figure it out one tiny step at a time.

For example: What am I going to do now that Menny is home from camp? I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

This one little narrative shift was so impactful for me, I wanted to share it with you!

We don’t, and can’t, have all the answers! Take a deep breath, tell yourself it’s ok not to know! You’ll know when you’re supposed to know.

💕 Chavie

This Week on Totally Unexpected!

I still cannot get over Sorella’s story. Also, the prompt for this episode was: Tell me about the time you forgave someone or asked someone for forgiveness! Highly recommend listening to the fascinating stories that came in from listeners about their personal journey’s with forgiveness.

Important intro here from present day Chavie :)).

I wrote this piece six years ago, at the beginning of COVID, when the Black Lives Matter conversation was exploding across the country. At the time, I felt like I had a very specific perspective to share: I am white, and my son is Black. I used the phrase “white woman of privilege” then, and I’m not sure I would use that exact language today, especially as a Jew. But this essay was a real-time peek into my experience trying to understand, learn, and navigate life as the mother of a Black son.

Six years later, thank G-d, Menny is thriving, but the questions around identity are as relevant as ever. If anything, as he gets older, they become more significant. Menny is figuring out where he belongs as a Black Jewish boy growing up in Montana, and there are no easy answers. My job, as his mother, is to be his safe place, to love him unconditionally, and to remind him again and again that he is good, loved, and exactly who he is meant to be.

How do I even begin…? To speak or not to speak? These are the thoughts that have been going through my head since Saturday night, at the end of the Jewish holiday of Shavuot.

There are a few things that I feel very deeply and strongly about. They may not all resonate with you, and that’s ok! I feel like we can discuss them, dig deep, learn from each other, and do it with grace.

Let’s do it with grace.

Let me preface my thoughts by saying I am not an expert on racism or the experience of being Black; there are many better resources out there for that… I am just sharing my process and beliefs, in the hope that it provokes a healthy conversation, fosters a desire to be open to learning new things, and inspires confidence in each of us that we can do hard things and lean into uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.

Ok, intro is over. Let’s get down to business:

I am a white woman; I have no idea what it’s like to be Black. I grew up with white privilege and continue to benefit from white privilege, and I have a Black son. A Black son who is being raised as a religious Jew in rural America. (We are fortunate to live in a very loving community, but there is extraordinarily little diversity in Bozeman, Montana.) One of the thoughts I’ve been wrestling with is, “Maybe the ultimate sign of white privilege is the fact that I have adopted a Black son”… Be that as it may, it’s up to me and my husband to have the tough conversations with Menny about life and the color of his skin. For example, without knowing what it feels like personally, to chat with him about how he should behave if he is ever pulled over by a police officer for speeding.

My son is only seven, but he’s already picking up on some inherent racial divide in our society. A few months ago at dinner, he asked me, and I quote, “Are there still people in this world that don’t like Black people?” and I sadly had to say, “Yes, it’s true…” (and of course, that led to a more in-depth conversation). A few years ago, he expressed to me that he wishes he could be white. (The majority of the people he knows and loves are white.) When we landed in Florida a few months ago (remember when we could still travel 🙂), Menny stood there in amazement and said, “Wow! There are so many Black people here!” We asked him how that made him feel. He said, “So good!” And it hit me: he doesn’t always feel like he belongs, even if it doesn’t affect his day-to-day life, as he enjoys a happy and well-adjusted life. He is still aware that he looks different and senses a kinship when he sees other Black people. Hence his favorite singer being Nissim Black 😉. I guess my point is that I feel uniquely positioned as a white person raising a Black son to have a distinctive perspective. Yet, at the same time, it doesn’t let me off the hook! I still have so much to learn and to understand, and probably some biases that I need to confront. I owe it to my son and my family to do so!

I have been taking the time to listen to Black women and men. The common theme I’m hearing is noticeably clear: it is counterproductive to have an outrage contest, to see who can use various platforms to express all the right things and be indignant on behalf of the Black community. The real hope expressed by Black Americans is that we change how we do things in our day-to-day life. What relationships are we going to have with our neighbors who are Black? Are we going to speak up when something racist is said in our presence? How are we going to educate the next generation of American kids? In my opinion, this is even more important than reading the books and listening to podcasts (and yes, that’s important too), as it’s pretty easy to read and listen and not convert those ideas into action. So, in your own home, in your own corner of the world, you can make a difference and have a ripple effect with the words you choose to say and the company you choose to keep!

As a Jew, I know how it feels to be persecuted and hated for something we have no control over. And by no means am I comparing our experiences, as they are different, not better or worse, just different, and we’re not in a suffering contest. The thing is, we Jews are obligated to speak up, and we should be held to a higher standard, in which standing by silently as others suffer is sinful. No, I don’t condone violence and attacks on brave officers of the law, who are by and large selfless men and women who care deeply about all human beings, but supporting law enforcement shouldn’t stand in the way of pointing out rotten apples when they raise their ugly heads. At times, living in an insular community does us a disservice, as we have a harder time understanding others, but it doesn’t mean we are a lost cause! We can do better! Bullying and shaming others into changing their ways won’t get it done, but honest conversations, such as these, with a recognition of where change can be achieved, are so, so important and will hopefully make a small difference.

So, we pause and take the time to educate ourselves, our families, and friends with love, acceptance, and understanding. This is a process; it takes time.

Something I talk about all the time is that we can feel two opposite feelings at the same time! It’s a very common thing, and we need to embrace it, and it’s so relevant right now! We can acknowledge our privilege, enjoy the privilege we have, love our families, create beauty and see beauty, and at the same time feel deeply saddened and horrified for the Black community and what they experience every day. They do not cancel each other out, and they can’t. It’s important to feel and see everything and deal with the mixed emotions healthfully! We sit with the hard stuff, we enjoy the good stuff, and we constantly strive to do better! Be better! Let’s allow ourselves to be open to the world for what it has to offer us and teach us!

These words have come from a place very deep in my heart, and I hope they are received with the love and respect with which they were written.

Love,

Chavie

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Check out this week’s episode with Sorella Abrahams: her play-by-play account of the day of terror in Bondi, as well as the unbelievable story of how her sister and her best friend’s sister passed away on the same day, the moment years later when she accidentally touched her future husband, Aycee, (her best friend’s brother!!) on a Shabbos afternoon and felt butterflies. Her story is so incredible that if it were scripted, you would say it’s not realistic. I highly, highly recommend listening to this one. So grateful to Sorella for sharing her story with me and with us.

It’s 4:30 PM. I just finished packing Menny for camp, and it hit me that it’s a “writing day!” So let’s quickly recap the first ten days of summer….

Zeesy, Menny, and Chana Laya all got a stomach bug on the same day (Menny was the kvetchiest, which tracks, due to his gender).

Chaya wrapped up 10th grade and came home.

Shoshana is back in town with a new puppy.

Amidst it all, I recorded for the pod.

Tourist season is in full swing.

I’m observing the dynamics of having big kids home all day vs. little kids.

Usually, when life is full and demanding, that’s when my brain decides it’s a perfect time to struggle existentially. Why not?

My current existential crisis has to do with confidence. I think of myself as a confident person, but every once in a while, I don’t feel confident. I question who I am and what I’m doing and wonder if the things I actually do make an impact.

“They” say don’t worry about what everyone else is doing… stay in your lane… know your worth… don’t compare!!!

And yes, all of those things are true, AND sometimes I compare, sometimes I forget my worth, sometimes I get jealous (yikes, I know), sometimes I worry about what everyone else is doing. People don’t like to admit these things, and as I’m writing, I’m like, ewww, are you really that girl??? I guess I am (sometimes). After all, these are all human conditions, and last I checked, I’m very human.

I do think some people struggle with these qualities more than others. I know where my work is, I know what I’m susceptible to, and I would say 70% of the time I’ve got it. I know how to push away negative self-talk; I know how to be so grateful for who I am and what I have to offer. And then there are some periods of time where I’m more impacted.

This Week’s Prompt

I think it’s a pretty tall order to be online, host a podcast that requires views, eyeballs, and likes, and not be affected by what you see around you.

Sometimes we feel like we’ve got the mom thing covered and can handle all the twists and turns, and other times we feel like we’re going to fall apart, and the future seems like a big black hole.

I don’t have any advice or any magical solutions. I think it’s a normal cycle of life. Especially when doing something new or big, the self-doubt, i.e., Yetzer Hara, creeps in.

When I’m going through these waves, I notice and acknowledge it. I get curious about it. And I also try to remember that it’s not going to last forever.

And I think that one can be a confident person who struggles with self-doubt sometimes. You can be in love with what you do and get stuck in occasional comparison. We are living a real life, not an affirmation postcard.

Chavie

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If you happen to be on a long drive, or doing anything else, and need something to listen to, check out our last episode here!

Traveling with kids can be overwhelming and is always exciting 🙂. You gotta be on top of your game and prepared for every eventuality. Add CORONA to the mix and it gets quite interesting. A lot of my prep for our recent trip was the same as always, so this post will be useful and practical for all travel, during and post-COVID-19.

I think it’s important to address the decision I made to actually travel during COVID-19. It’s safe to say that I am not the only one who feels very confused and uncertain during these times. I feel like there is lots of conflicting information and too much judgmentalism. In general, I’m not a big fan of “judging” or pushing my opinion down the throats of others. One of the most valuable things I have learned in my almost 36 years 🙂 is that we never know what’s going on behind the scenes in someone else’s life; we just don’t, period. I’m hoping we can move through this time with a little more compassion, empathy, and understanding. Having shared that, Chaim and I felt strongly that for our family, this trip was very important, so we needed to figure out how to do it in the safest and most responsible way.

As I was trying to figure out how to travel by myself with four kids (and I don’t know about you, but my kids literally touch everything) without losing my mind, I came across a post by @TheFlexibleChef about her international travels with her kids during COVID-19 and her use of electric scooters, and my mind started brewing. Thinking along those “out of the box” lines, I asked myself, “What if we used manual scooters to travel through the airports?” It seemed like a great way to minimize the kids touching random surfaces on the moving sidewalks and throughout the airports. IT WORKED! I am so happy I did it. They were thrilled scooting through the airport, which kept their hands occupied 🙂 and there was a bonus benefit: we now have the scooters at my parents’ house, which we use every day to get to and from camp.

On the plane, we were required to wear a mask. I was pleasantly surprised by how well the kids cooperated. I was probably a worse sport about it than they were. I also decided that we’d use plastic shields as well, which, again, the kids wore without fussing; it was just another layer of separation between them and the infinite germs and made me feel a little more comfortable.

I packed sanitizing wipes, and each of their backpacks was packed with hand sanitizer. My favorite is doTERRA’s On Guard spray. It’s super effective, safe, and smells delicious. Here’s a link…

https://bit.ly/3fhygCg

The most exciting thing for my kids is to pack their backpacks before a trip. It’s really quite annoying, and I would totally rather do it myself, but they love it so much, it makes the trip so exciting, so I get over myself. I make a time for each kid to collect what they want, and then we go through it together and make sure everything they are bringing is reasonable and practical. I will share with you some of our top travel toys and provide links for what I can.

https://amzn.to/2BBT09D

https://amzn.to/2NYiOzd

https://amzn.to/38BV6Cq

https://amzn.to/31SHhhA (I don’t have a picture, but these are awesome and I got a package for each kid.)

https://amzn.to/3ecPFep (shape-shifting cube, so great!)

I also got these awesome zip containers that were great for snacks! What’s unique about these containers is that they stand on their own, and that really prevented a lot of spills, which I am super grateful for!

https://ziptop.com

Traveling with kids is an art, and you definitely get better at it the more you do it. We travel quite a bit, and every time I learn something new that enhances the experience. Be open to the adventure, manage your parental expectations, and just know nothing will go as planned; this sets you up for success.

Happy trails.

Chavie

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P.S. Check out my conversation with Rabbi Yisroel Bernath that we just published yesterday. It’s one of the most fascinating interviews I’ve had on the podcast so far (and that is saying a lot!!). It’s an incredibly personal story and meanders into many different topics including Rabbi Yisroel’s new book, The Forgiveness Experiment that he just published.

Inspired by last week’s episode with Paola (listen here), I felt motivated to share my meandering fitness journey. These days, it seems like almost everyone with a social media platform is a fitness expert, or is at least publicly obsessed with the gym :).

I often share when I’m coming or going from the gym, but I don’t post a lot about my personal workouts, mostly because 1) I’m so far from an authority on this subject, and 2) I’m not so hardcore (like so many of you), so I don’t feel like I have much to share. Yet, I’m thinking it might be nice to hear about a regular person’s fitness experience. I don’t know everything there is to know. I don’t even know the names of most of the lifts that I do, but I’d like to think I’m somewhat strong with a regular body. I’ve tried many different modalities, and I’m always up to trying something new.

So here I go:

From a young age, I knew that I needed to move my body. I didn’t know why, I just felt it. I didn’t grow up with people around me exercising, so I didn’t have a lot of context or resources, but I figured it out. Wherever I was, I always found a way to work out. I’ve done Jazzercise, Pilates, group classes, kickboxing, Barre, cycling, and good old-fashioned weight training. Sometimes I did whatever I had access to, and sometimes I felt pulled to something in particular.

For the last eight years, I’ve been consistent with my routine of strength training at the gym. I work out in a small group (there are three of us) with a trainer, and I love it so much! I go to the gym twice a week and, as I said, I’ve been doing that for years. Having a trainer is key for me. I really hate figuring out my own workout. I want someone to tell me what to do, I want someone to hold me accountable, I want someone making sure my form is proper, and of course, I need to be pushed out of my comfort zone; I’m not volunteering for that on my own. Like my trainer says, “You didn’t hire me for easy.”

I live in a town that is so fit and active that it can be overwhelming. The things people do for fun, and the level of skill people have here in Bozeman, are crazy. The things people do here on a regular Tuesday would blow your mind, just saying. At times, I can feel so inadequate or so behind everyone else. I constantly remind myself that working out isn’t my full-time job, and my goals are only to be strong and healthy. I’ve definitely come a long way, and while I still can’t do an unassisted pull-up, I can do some killer push-ups. I can bench press pretty well, but Bulgarian split squats will be the end of me. In general, I hold my own :).

About a year and a half ago, I started my Ayurveda journey with Paola, and she encouraged me to add some more movement on the days that I don’t go to the gym. I knew she was right, but I was scared to commit. As I started to understand my constitution (see here for a breakdown on what your birth constitution means in Ayurveda) and what my body type needed (see here for a live analysis by Paola on my body type and birth constitution) to stay healthy, emotionally and physically, I realized two things: first, I finally understood that my body was telling me what it needed and that was why I always found a way to work out, even though I’m not athletic or coordinated lol. Good thing I mostly listened. And second, I was ready for more. I needed to step it up, but I needed to do something sustainable, something I could be consistent with.

I didn’t have time to go to the gym more than twice a week, but I do have a treadmill at home, so making use of it seemed like the perfect solution. I’ve now incorporated twice a week on the treadmill, and I’m going strong for a year and a half. I started off with just fifteen minutes, something super doable and habit-forming. I can get super competitive with myself, so I needed some reminders to come back to center and not get carried away. I’m now doing a happy thirty minutes. If I feel like doing more, I do, and if I’m feeling overwhelmed, I go back to my baseline of fifteen minutes.

Over the years, while trying all different types of exercises, I’ve learned many things. Some things must be relearned over and over again, and some things stick the first time. But there are three concepts that have impacted me the most.

1. Something is always better than nothing. Our brain often likes to think in absolutes. If I can’t do a full hour of an intense HIIT routine, I might as well not do anything at all. If I can’t lift X number of pounds, what’s the point? I’m just a failure. That’s the farthest thing from the truth. Anything you do is more than nothing, and starting small (even if you feel somewhat pathetic) allows you to form real, sustainable habits.

2. There is a lot of information/noise out there. Do cardio, skip cardio, only lift, Pilates is the best, Barre is the best, run, don’t walk, weighted vest, no weighted vest… you get the idea. You know what I learned (with the help of Paola)? MOVE YOUR BODY HOWEVER YOU CAN! You can have goals, but don’t let that distract you from the ultimate goal, which is living a long and healthy life.

3. Love what you’re doing; it will be so much easier to do. If you dread the particular workout, how long are you going to do it? Plus, the day is too short to be miserable. I promise you can find a routine that you love, and it can be anything you want it to be.

So what does my actual workout look like?

I strength train twice a week in a small group with a trainer. It’s usually a full-body workout, about six or seven exercises per session, mostly three sets of eight to twelve reps. We do a mix of dumbbells, barbells, cables, bodyweight exercises, and some med ball work.

A typical workout might include lower-body movements like reverse lunges, split squats, goblet squats, walking lunges, leg extensions, and hamstring curls. For upper body, we’ll do things like chest flys, bench press, Arnold presses, seated rows, pullovers, bicep curls, and snatches. And then, of course, there’s always some core or conditioning mixed in: wall balls, Pallof presses, cable torso twists, reverse crunches, med ball tosses, all the fun stuff :).

There you have it!! I try my best and really love to have a trainer and workout partners to keep me going.

I will end with my favorite piece of advice: BALANCE! If you remember that, you’ll be golden.

Stay strong.

Love,

Chavie

Chaim Shaul and I went on a runaway! I really needed a few days to come up for air post Bar Mitzvah to regroup. Also, summer is right around the corner. The kids are wrapping up school and tourists are starting to show up so this was a good moment to take a breath.

I also must tell you about the episode we just released yesterday with my dear friend Paola. She lives in Bozeman and she runs the yoga retreat I go to in Mexico that I’ve told you guys so much about, like here:

She has impacted my life in such a big way and I love that I finally get to share her with you. She is a yoga instructor and Ayurvedic healer, and every ounce of this episode is soaked with wisdom, inspiration, and brilliant life hacks. Listen and let me know what you think!!

Spotify

Apple Podcasts

YouTube

While I’m out of town, I’m recording a little something special which I’m excited to share with you soon :). I also got a few special love notes from some people who listened to the episode yesterday and I was so touched that I wanted to share it with you guys:

Anyway, that’s my little check-in from the road. More soon.

Love,

Chavie

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I’m sitting here really excited to write this post, simply because I’m writing about a travel experience during COVID-19.

I love to travel! I always have, it’s in my blood! Hence a whole category of my blog is dedicated to travel and adventure. One of the challenging things for me during the crazy era we are living in is the fact that I’m grounded. We had a trip to Israel planned for March that was canceled. I travel a lot for speaking engagements, and so many planned events and travel opportunities (never mind the financial loss associated with them) became obsolete. Yes, in the big scheme of things, it’s not the end of the world, but it’s ok and healthy to acknowledge the disappointment and the grief of not being allowed to do the things you love and that keep you sane.

Taking an RV trip has been on our bucket list forever. It always felt out of reach for some reason, whether financially, logistically, or because of the fear of the unknown. My husband and I were talking, and we concluded that now might be the perfect time to try it out. Firstly, because there is less travel and less demand, the prices dropped, which made it a lot more affordable. Secondly, we are all looking for a change of scenery and some adventure. Thirdly, we had no schedule or commitments tying us down, so what do we have to lose!?

For our first time, we decided to dip our toes in slowly and planned a 5-day trip while staying in Montana. The RV we rented was from Cruise America. I knew beforehand what to expect, definitely not super high quality, but it totally worked for our first time. It was the most convenient and accessible option for a last-minute trip. I would probably not use them again, but I love the fact that I now know what I want and what specific things to look for. We rented a 30-footer and it was a good size for six people. Remember, I went on one RV trip for five days—I am by no means an expert, but I am so happy to share my experience.

We rented the RV Thursday afternoon and weren’t sure how to pack it until I got a good look at the interior. Once I saw what I had to work with, I was able to make a plan. It’s really cool not to have to pack suitcases; I literally filled up a laundry basket and emptied it into the cubbies. It wasn’t too stressful because we weren’t going for that long, but I think I would’ve had to be way more organized and thoughtful if it were a longer trip. The one thing I wasn’t used to packing was bedding and towels. The fridge was small but decent. It took a couple of hours to load up and then we were off.

We drove for about three hours and stayed in Missoula at a KOA campground. It was really fun, we had a picnic dinner, the kids got to ride their bikes and just enjoy. Bedtime with four kiddos is definitely where things get interesting. For one, it doesn’t get dark until about 10:00 PM (and gets light again at about 5:00 AM, so late to bed and early to rise), and Chana Laya, my toddler, really enjoyed her freedom out of a crib and took the longest time to settle down. No one really slept great the first night, but I did notice each night got better. So, you do need to account for time to acclimate and not expect smooth sailing right away.

Setting up the beds and folding them away in the morning takes some time and organization. I think it’s really helpful not to have a strict timetable, so you can take things slow and minimize stressful moments. Remember, this is supposed to be an enjoyable experience.

I’m the type of person who needs space in general, so I would say the most challenging thing for me was the tight quarters. At one point I asked myself what I was thinking, taking the same people I had been quarantined with and sticking ourselves into an even smaller space. The irony did not go unnoticed. It was something to laugh at in good humor.

Shabbos was the one thing I did not feel ready to undertake. I am incredibly lucky that my sister lives five hours away in the gorgeous Flathead Valley. We used this opportunity to visit her and spend Shabbos with family. It was actually perfect, because while we couldn’t fit in her house, it was amazing to be there for Shabbos and have sleeping arrangements just outside her home. I think if you’re planning or thinking about an RV trip, I would highly recommend planning it around a place where you can be for Shabbos. It will make it so much easier. If not, kudos to you and let me know how you do it, maybe I will be brave enough to try it next time!!

We enjoyed our last night in Helena, where we learned to empty the black and gray water for the first time. Or I should say my husband learned, I wanted nothing to do with it!

Have you experienced burnout? I want to hear what it felt like for you. Send me a voice note, and we’ll bring some of your stories into the conversation after the interview in next week’s episode.

So many people asked me, “How was it?”, “Was it fun?”, “Would you do it again?”…

Here is what I have to say: It is so much fun and also really hard, kinda like life 😉. We happen to love adventure and trying new things, fully aware that it comes with a lot of unique learning opportunities. Would I do it again? Absolutely! Here are some of the things I learned and would make sure to bring next time.

• Gloves – For emptying the sewer tank (we didn’t have any, so we used grocery bags and it worked)

• Swiffer for the floor

• Diffuser – It’s a very small space for quite a few people, with the bathroom being right in the middle of things. Having something to spread a pleasant smell would be great.

• Aluminum foil – Really helped cover up the window and block some light that was right on top of the kids’ bed. (I was able to get some at my sister’s house the second night and it really made a difference.)

• Ponchos – In case of rain (see below), you will be able to maneuver without getting drenched.

If you’re planning a longer trip, making sure everything has a secure spot is super important, so things don’t fly around and everything stays contained.

We had a lot of rain, which made it a little harder. You are meant to spend most of your time outdoors on an RV trip. The rain made that hard to do, which made it a little more challenging in tight quarters. So next time I would plan a trip later in the season when dry weather is more reliable.

Part of the fun is figuring it out as you go along! Don’t expect perfection and be open to all experiences and you will not regret it 😊.

Love,

Chavie

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Last week’s episode, let me know what you think!

Happy Sunday 😬

Have I told you that Sundays are so hard for me? I’m writing this on Sunday and it’s not helping that it’s snowing (May 17th no less). This isn’t unusual, it happens every year, and yet every year I’m offended by it :).

Here we are, Bar Mitzvah firmly behind us. I want to do a proper recap and reflection but finding it hard to do when I’m deep in the crash of it all.

Does it take away from the awesomeness of a big life event if we address the aftermath, emotional and physical? 🤷‍♀️

I hope not! I think it’s one of those things that happen and we can benefit from giving it space. I’ve come to understand, and believe, that most things in life, especially the big stuff, are never just one-dimensional. Things are complicated, multi-dimensional, and, often, emotionally confusing.

One thing is for sure: everything about the Bar Mitzvah was incredible, exceeding all expectations. From Shabbos, to Monday, the day of Menny’s Aliyah at the Torah, to the big bash on Tuesday, and all the hospitality meals in between; it was all so special. How do you capture the energy, the joy, the love, and the community, in words? It’s a good thing we have these moments captured on camera by the one and only @chanablumesphoto! That definitely helps!

I had to pinch myself as I watched Menny read from the Torah so naturally. My heart almost couldn’t contain the experience of watching Menny sing and perform with Nissim Black onstage, owning his unique place in the world loud and proud. I was filled with pride watching Menny make every single person feel like a million bucks for coming and celebrating with him, making sure every kid got attention and love.

I knew there were going to be so many emotionally overwhelming moments throughout the celebration, so I wanted to prepare myself as much as I could to be as present as possible. Of course, I enlisted my therapist in this endeavor, and we talked a lot about different ways to stay in my body :). So, in the middle of the party I stood up on a chair and took a minute to observe and take in all that was happening. Seeing all the family and friends who flew in to celebrate with us, showing up in the best way with the best energy, humbled me on a deep level. It’s a long trip, so anyone who was there wanted to be there, and I know how much effort it takes.

Watching our incredible Bozeman community, who have been on this journey with us from the beginning in the most supportive and loving way, groove with Nissim Black, brought tears to my eyes.

This was so much more than a Bar Mitzvah. It was a personal acknowledgement and celebration of accomplishments and perseverance of epic proportions. And not only was it a personal celebration, but it was also a communal celebration. We didn’t do this alone. We are here today because of our village, and our village deserved to be celebrated. And celebrate we did.

I knew coming off this Bar Mitzvah week would be hard. I knew I was going to be riding a big high and eventually I would have to come down from that. Intellectually I knew it, but I think somewhere in my heart I thought maybe I could avoid it, like somehow I would seamlessly transition back to life. Alas, the crash was hard.

It was emotionally taxing to watch all my family and friends leave. I was physically exhausted from all the work that’s entailed in making a simcha outside of an established religious community and coming right off Pesach, no less. And most of all, facing all the same realities that existed before the Bar Mitzvah that shockingly still exist after the great party, which is the hardest challenge of all. Reckoning with the pride/joy/gratitude for how far we’ve come, and boy oh boy how far there still is to go.

The celebrations are over and the day-to-day struggles and behavior challenges didn’t magically disappear. 🫠

Such is life, such is my life in particular. I’m working through it ;).

And honestly, this is why it’s so important to celebrate these moments. They are hard earned!

In my opinion, all milestones, accomplishments, and achievements need to be focused on and should be a big deal. It allows us to step out of the daily grind and remember and focus on all that we are grateful for.

I hope everyone finds and acts on the moments to celebrate, big and small!

🩷 Chavie

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P.S. As you look through these photos, I want to acknowledge the people who truly made all our dreams come true!

@ebenhiyoun
@gromybrand
@wandernorthevents
@armoryhotel
@chanablumesphoto
@eventsbycnh
@NissimBlack

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Mother’s Day is a very complicated day. There are people who have lost mothers, people who are yearning to be mothers, people who struggle with being mothers, people who have complicated relationships with their mothers, and the list goes on. My thoughts on this are that it’s important to be sensitive on this day, and at the same time it’s ok, and even important, for people to be able to express their gratitude and appreciation for what they have.

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This year I would like to focus my Mother’s Day blog post on the gratitude I have for my mother and what she’s taught me. She never sat down and said, “This is what I want you to know”… she led by example, and I feel blessed and grateful that I can share with you some of the top life lessons I’ve learned from her over the years:

Faith – I have never met someone more connected and faith-driven than my mother. It’s at the core of everything. I know that as Jews we all have it, but it’s not always visible. With my mother, you see it in everything she does. I’d be lucky to be able to emulate even a fraction of that.

Passion – My mother would probably be considered an introvert; she’s socially warm and friendly but does not like to be the center of attention. Yet, when there is something that she believes in strongly, there is no stopping her. I so admire the passion and strength she has to stand up for what she believes is right. I’ve been told that I’m pretty passionate, and I’m proud to say I come by it honestly ☺

Modesty – My mother has mastered the amazing combination of being modest and fashionable. She will never compromise on her standards and will always be the image of class. It’s something I constantly work on, and I have a beautiful role model to mimic.

Attentive (attention to detail) – One of the coolest things I have learned is so subtle, yet so powerful. I grew up in an open home with a ton of guests. My mother was always very attentive and the ultimate host. What blew me away (and still does) is how she really paid attention to what people liked, what food was their favorite, all the small details. When that person would return, she would always make sure to prepare the foods they most enjoyed. That made a huge impression on me. I hope that being around that kind of sensitivity has rubbed off on me.

Do everything in the best possible way – There is no doing things halfway with my mother; there’s no cutting corners. If you are going to do something, do it right! Whether it’s a Shabbos meal, a preschool program, or a birthday party, it will always be done with class and every detail perfected.

My mission in life is to take these wonderful lessons and be able to apply them to my life in my own unique way.

Happy Mother’s Day to all! I hope everyone finds their form of peace, acceptance, and comfort.

Love,

Chavie

Reporting live from Bozeman… I truly can’t believe this day is here. After months of planning, prepping, coordinating, stressing and more than a little spiraling, our Bar Mitzvah weekend is in full motion. The house is full, family and friends have come in from all over, there’s energy in every corner, and everything is starting to come together. I’m trying to pause in the middle of it all and take it in… my only son is becoming a Bar Mitzvah today.

I’m going to keep things short and sweet, but if you haven’t had a chance to listen to yesterday’s episode yet, here it is:

This interview was recorded exactly a year ago, so I’m so excited that it’s finally out in the world. Listen to the intro for all the deets ;)).

Also, this week’s Hot Take segment is pretty juicy: Jewish Books vs. Non-Jewish Books—Where Do You Draw the Line? This prompt is a follow-up from last episode’s Book Buddy convo. It made me wonder where we all draw the line when it comes to secular culture. Stick around until the end of the episode for the Hot Take segment, where I play your voice notes reacting to this prompt, it’s always one of my favorite parts. And make sure to look out for my next prompt so you can send me your hot take. I’m dying to hear what you think on all these juicy topics!

Love,

Chavie

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It’s 20 degrees, snowing and windy, and I’m standing outside watching Chana Laya’s first ever soccer game.

A few hours earlier, Menny had a soccer game (while I was teaching Tanya), so we divided and conquered: Chaim Shaul went to Menny’s game, and I went to Chana Laya’s.

It’s the first year that we have two kids in soccer, so I have no idea how this is going to play out.

While I was standing there in the cold, freezing my TUCHUS off, I was thinking about the conversation I had with Elin on the last podcast (listen here). We talked about attending sports games and the narrative around that. What does it mean to be a good mom? Oh boy, does society have ideas about that.

It’s really nice and dandy before we have kids to have an idea of what kind of mother we want to be, and what constitutes a mom who is present and involved.

I’m never going to yell.
We are going to eat healthy and limit sugar.
I’ll be at every sports game.
I’m only going to breastfeed.
No screens.

You get the idea. The list goes on.

In truth, it rarely goes how we imagine.

Over the years, while Menny played every sport available and I wasn’t at every game, I had to reckon with how I feel about it, and the judgment we face or put on ourselves. I am a good, supportive, and involved mom. I facilitate all my kids’ extracurricular activities by holding down the fort at home with the other kids, making dinner, filling water bottles, etc.

Moms are inundated with so much information. Do this, don’t do this. Parent this way, don’t parent that way… it’s a lot of noise.

The expectations put on mothers (and fathers) these days are immense.

Be a friend.
Be a parent.
Make sure you spend time with them (one-on-one, no less).
Make sure they have the skills to be independent.
Make sure that they respect you.
Free expression is vital.
Be at every game.
Have a home-cooked dinner ready and waiting on schedule.

We are expected to do it all, and it’s overwhelming; it was meant to take a village.

And yes, all this was going through my head at the soccer game. What can I say? Philosophy is in my blood.

Bottom line: if you’re asking yourself whether you are a good mom or not, then congratulations—you’re on the right track. You care, you think about it, and you’re doing your best.

You’ll know in your heart of hearts if you’re a good parent (and you’ll also know if you’re being honest with yourself). Don’t let anyone else’s ideas determine that for you.

Will I be at every soccer game? No, I will not. But you know what I do have? I have a village, and they show up. The community we have in Bozeman is family, and there is always someone showing up for the games and so much more. They will always have someone cheering for them on the sidelines, and they will always have me, their biggest cheerleader, whether I’m at the game or at home.

Love,

Chavie

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Last Week’s Episode on Totally Unexpected!

If you listened to this week’s episode, you already know how much I love my long-distance book buddy relationship with Elin. We read together, we send each other voice notes mid-chapter as if something urgent just happened (because it did 😄), and honestly, it’s become one of my favorite parts of the week.

During the episode, we reviewed all the books we’ve read together. Here is that list. Not just the ones we loved but also the ones we couldn’t stop talking about and that stayed with us long after reading the last page.

Here are links to the latest episode wherever you get your podcasts :)).

Our Book Buddy List

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And because clearly I don’t have enough book content in my life 😄, here are a few podcasts that Elin recommended for the best deep dives, reviews, and to discover what’s next.

Book Podcasts I’m Loving

The Currently Reading Podcast

Poured Over

Totally Booked with Zibby

Sarah’s Bookshelves Live

From the Front Porch

Meagan’s Book Club Podcast

The Bibliophilles

If you have a book buddy, send them this list. If you don’t, maybe this is your sign to get one 🙂. And if you’ve read any of these, I want to hear what stayed with you.

Love,

Chavie

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Hi Hi Hi!

Wow, what a couple of weeks!

How’s everyone doing?! Transitioning into routine can be brutal….

I woke up this morning feeling the overwhelm. On the one hand, Pesach is behind us, and that is a huge accomplishment. And… Menny’s Bar Mitzvah is in three weeks, and oh boy, it’s getting real. I told myself that I would tackle all the details after Pesach, and here we are. Usually after Pesach, I take some time to recharge after the huge output of energy. I have learned over the years how helpful that is for me physically and mentally, but this year it’s going to have to wait. I’ve got to re-rev that engine back up, and it’s a little scary. I’m quite tired.

When you make a simcha (joyous milestone event) living outside a religious community, there are a lot of details that otherwise aren’t relevant.

There are no kosher restaurants or access to kosher food, so part of the Bar Mitzvah prep includes hospitality and providing meals for our beautiful guests. It’s really fun and provides a very fun element to the occasion, but I just need to make a plan. Knowing that you need a plan but not having it yet can feel daunting, but once I figure it out, it will be a lot of work but less scary (I hope).

Back to this morning…. I woke up, and reality hit pretty hard. I didn’t get great sleep, and that always makes life feel twice as hard. I have to get to my Tanya class by 9:30 (but that always makes my day so much better in the end). I know I have to write for Substack, start getting a grip on the Bar Mitzvah, I spent two hours meeting with a local friend, and I have a house full of bored children.

When I came home from Tanya class, Zeesy and Chana Laya ended up having a day out with a close friend, so they were covered. Menny was out of sorts and had a really rough morning. I know the solution to that is getting out into nature, but try convincing a teenager to buy in. But we did! So, me, Chaim Shaul, Chaya, and Menny headed out to hike the M.

And off we go!

We took a few wrong turns, ended up in a twenty-minute downpour, and resisted the urge to head down before we got to the top. “We made it this far,” I kept saying. In the rain, no less, we can do this!

And do it we did! And it always feels so good! Nothing feels better than doing something hard.

But the cherry on top was watching Menny put on tefillin at the top of the mountain. Due to his rough morning, he hadn’t done it yet, so Chaim Shaul encouraged him, and he schlepped his tefillin to the top so he could have the opportunity to bring some extra G-dliness to a place that probably hasn’t had many tefillin moments, if any.

The day took a turn for the better, like it usually does with a little physical exercise in Hashem’s beautiful world.

The hike was inspired in order to get Menny outside and out of his funk. I was debating if I should even go due to how much work I had to do, but it turns out I needed it just as much! The work will always be there. Getting out and having quality time with Menny and Chaya was an opportunity I didn’t want to pass on, and I’m so glad that I didn’t.

I’m still overwhelmed, but overwhelmed in a happier way, if that makes any sense.

Love,

Chavie

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Hi guys!!

I’m trying something new here :)). This isn’t the ordinary essay that I deliver on Tuesday’s, just a quick little Pesach greeting to the loyal readers of this blog I love so much. Sometimes, when holidays come around we skip a week of essays so I figured, instead of skipping, I would just keep it short and sweet, and of course throw in behind the scenes of all the prep.

As promised, here is Chana Laya’s private tour:

Here are some the most recent episodes we released on the podcast. Stay tuned for a special episode next week! And when I say special, I mean it. It’s something totally new, we’ve never done before and we are releasing it as a bonus companion to your Chol Hamoed entertainment!

Rivkah Slonim

Chaim Bruk

Anna Sherman

I hope you have a wonderful and liberating Pesach (at least once all the cooking, cleaning, and prep is done!)

With so much love,

Chavie

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Soooo obviously - I am NOT bored! As you probably read in my last Substack essay–Dispatch From the Road– I am the last thing from bored, and trust me the chaos has only boomeranged since then. However, I thought it was interesting to read this piece I wrote during the early weeks of the pandemic and remember how quickly our lives can change and that whatever overwhelm we are feeling now is fleeting when considering the the bigger picture.

Also, I hope this list of 21 (!!!) games can help you and your kids enjoy the holiday that much more. Or just save this list for when you really are bored. Okay, happy reading!

So we have been going at this home life thing for a few weeks now. I don’t know about you but we are getting a little stir crazy… For a lot of us we are going to be celebrating the holiday of Passover next week. Having a new toy on hand to change things up can really be a lifesaver!

I put together a list of some toys, games, and puzzles (there are not many books on the list as I am hoping to do a separate book list one of these days) that I really like. I think there is something for everybody on this list. Most of the things on the list are appropriate for the Jewish holiday observance. There are a few that aren’t, but being that kids aren’t going back to school anytime soon I included them as I’m sure they will always come in handy.

I like to keep a bunch of stuff in my closet that the kids don’t know I have, and pull them out when it’s most needed! I find having things on hand has saved me more times than I can count.

1. Gravitax — innovative marble run, super cool! They have a lot of different sets that you can add and build a collection. This is a great beginner set. Great for boys and girls, recommended age 8 & up.
   

2. Grimms — oh this company speaks to my soul. The most beautiful wooden toys ever! They have so many different options, it’s a whole world. This was the first set I started with and it’s so versatile and a great start to a collection I know you’re going to want to build. Amazing for all ages! Please check out what other Grimm options are available.
   

3. Quaggle — super fun, it’s like reverse Jenga with crazy shapes. Great family game, ages 5 & up.
   

4. Slapzi — I am really not a game person, like really not, I don’t find any pleasure in them at all 😳 But even I had fun playing this!
   

5. Squigz — these are a fun suction construction 😉 great for toddlers and even older kids get into it. Eight different versatile shapes, pieces connect easily and POP apart. Great bath toy as well!
   

6. Family puzzle — this is so cool! A family puzzle with different size puzzle shapes — all ages are able to participate and create a puzzle together. Pretty genius if you ask me 👍
   

7. Fidget puzzle — if you have some kids who don’t really play or who have ADHD like in my family 😉 this is a great fidget toy and puzzle in one. Once you get it into a crazy shape you have to figure out how to get it back into a square. Really popular with kids around 10 & up.
   

8. Axe Throwing — so I have a really active boy who loves to throw things… these are velcro so they won’t damage anything and you can do it indoors. I can’t wait to try these.
   

9. Dimpl Digits — audio, visual, and kinesthetic learning all in one. Perfect toddler experience 😉 (not for holiday).
   

10. Paper Airplane — I love Usborne! They have great books and activity books. I linked a few here but I could go on forever so please check out all the options, there are so many! I feel like this would keep my kids busy for a while.
    

11. All About Feelings — who couldn’t use this right now 😉 So important to be able to help facilitate our children identifying with feelings and emotions they might be having.
    

12. Science for Beginners — if you have kids that love information, this is the set for you.
    

13. Lift the Flap Adding & Subtracting — this is cool especially now when we are doing school from home (notice I didn’t say homeschooling 😏). Makes learning math somewhat fun. They also have ones for multiplication and division, fractions and decimals, so check it out!
    

14. Embroidery Kit — this is great for a rainy day, never hurts having it around. (I just hope my kids don’t ask me for help because I won’t be of any use 😏).
    

15. Paint by Sticker — my kids loved this, just took it with us on our recent trip. Extra bonus: doesn’t make a mess!
    

16. My Family Builders — I love these! Covers all skills: social emotional, cognitive, language, and physical. Great for a large age range. Comes with activity cards inside for added challenge and fun.
    

17. Shopkins — oldie but goodie 🙂 these keep one of my daughters busy for hours.
    

18. Crocodile Creek Puzzle (ages 2 & up) — by far my favorite puzzle company!
    

19. Crocodile Creek Puzzle (ages 5 & up) — again, love these. They have so many different options. I have a whole collection.
    

20. Pegs — just such a classic. I’m sure so many of us remember playing with these.
    

21. Gravity Maze by Think Fun — I had to add this. Different from the Gravitax I posted, but so cool and makes you use your brain.

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Hope you enjoyed this list as much as I enjoyed putting it together! Also, don’t forget about the podcast episode we just released yesterday, a fascinating conversation I had with the acclaimed author and self proclaimed Chassidic feminist, Rivkah Slonim. You can find it on Spotify HERE, on Apple Podcasts HERE, and on YouTube HERE.

Happy prepping!

Love,

Chavie

I’m writing to you guys from the road.

I know. It’s two and a half weeks before Pesach, so what the heck am I doing on the road? Such a good question. One that I’ve had to wrestle with and still am. Here’s the thing: my kids have Spring Break and public schools aren’t taking my schedule into consideration, much to my dismay.

Every part of me feels like I need to be home prepping for Pesach. And I also know that being home with the kids while they’re off from school as I try to get work done is a recipe for a lot of conflict and negative energy. It feels weird, because it’s not like I have babies and toddlers at home. But I tell ya, the pre-teen/ teenage years ain’t for sissies! The dynamics right now in my house aren’t conducive for mom working and kids chilling. So we made the executive decision to bite the bullet and go on a little local trip. It forces me and Chaim Shaul to be present with them and that’s what’s in order. It’s not a bad idea to fill the kids’ cups before a very hectic season. Whether my cup is being filled, that’s a different story.

I am a bit worried because they do take a lot of energy, the fighting and attitude come along wherever we go, and when we get back it’s going to be major crunch time. It feels very de-stabilizing for me to be on a trip this close to Pesach. So here’s what I’m going to practice and work on, my mantras so to speak.

I’m going to use this opportunity to be present with my kids.

I’m going to find moments to recharge.

When I start to panic, I’m going to remember that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I’m not home, I cannot Pesach prep, so I might as well have fun.

It will all fall into place by hook or by crook.

With all that said and done, I have a message for our people in Israel:

I’m very aware that these are first world struggles. I haven’t stopped thinking about all of you trying to navigate Pesach during a war, running to bunkers and kids not in school for weeks already. I don’t know how you do it! You are made of some really tough stuff. I also know that many of you are probably panicking and feel a huge amount of overwhelm. Guess what? You can be tough and freak out at the same time! I have a lot of respect and admiration for all of you.

Anyway, I really hope we all find the strength and inner reserve to face and handle our own personal adversities. This holiday is all about freedom, right? Personal and collective.

Here’s a list of our most recent podcast episodes to keep you company as you prep!

EP 40 Chaim Bruk - HEAD SHLIACH

EP 39 Anna Sherman

EP 38 Mushky Yiftach Hashem

See ya on the other side!

Chavie

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Twenty years, BH! It Just feels so big.

I wrote this essay four years ago. As I read it now I’m struck by how much we have grown and how hilarious it is that so much is still the same. Marriage, right?! In all seriousness I’m feeling all the feels. It’s a huge milestone and I’m really proud of us!

Also, I just dropped a new episode on the Totally Unexpected! podcast that I did with my husband in honor of our anniversary. We go through our entire infertility and adoption story for the first time. This is a part two from last year’s episode where we walked through how we met, dated, got married, and moved to Montana! After this, what will we talk about next year?? I’m sure life will provide the content ;)).

Listen to the new episode here!

Listen to last year's episode here!

It’s intense enough trying to merge the lives of two humans, even without any extenuating circumstances. Too often when we are young and dealing with something big, a lot of the emotions and deep feelings get pushed aside due to a lack of tools or even a lack of awareness. We think we can move on by putting all our focus on solving “the immediate problem,” which in our case was figuring out how to build a family.

G-d had a very special life in store for us, and over the years we have encountered many life-altering challenges that constantly push us to dig deeper and deeper. Every time we find old wounds that we think are over and done with, they come back up. I’m talking all the way back to childhood. I’m sure you’ve heard about inner child work. Let me tell you, I really believe having a deep, meaningful partnership and being a present parent are very much dependent on addressing our childhood wounds.

We could’ve had the best childhood. We all have stuff. This is not blaming our parents for our struggles. This is about understanding why we do the things we do and why we make the choices we make. At times we could be operating out of fear or projecting our previous experiences onto our spouse or child. They are hard to confront, but facing them, understanding them, and having compassion for them is such a gift.

In the last sixteen years, these are some of the things we faced as a couple: permanent infertility, my husband’s mother passing away, adopting a preemie with a lot of medical trauma, adopting a child with a rare genetic disorder that took five years to diagnose, adopting our son who’s Black, and adopting a 12-year-old with an incredible amount of trauma.

After self-harm, attempted suicide, and other scary cries for help, it became clear that as much as we wanted to be able to handle it all without help, we couldn’t. Our daughter needed a protected and safe environment to work through all her traumas, so she went to a wilderness program followed by a year in a therapeutic equine boarding school.

To top it off, last year we had to send our eight-year-old son to treatment for severe behavioral issues. Having to do that twice for two different children hits hard. Not to mention running a Chabad center in a remote location with no family nearby. These life events take a toll, no matter how strong you are.

I mention all these experiences not because I’m into the comparative suffering game. I have no doubt that every single person in this world can make a list of challenges just as long. These just happen to be mine. The point I’m trying to make is that there are going to be obstacles in your life. They are going to affect you and your relationships. And that’s ok.

I can clearly remember the point in time when I realized it was time to go deeper. Sending Shoshana to wilderness was such a turning point for me and for my husband. When you have a child in treatment you are really confronted with your own baggage, and you are forced to face it head-on—for your child, for yourself, for your family. It opened a whole new world of pain and, as a result, profound healing.

Growth never stops. It evolves; it waxes and wanes. If we are in this world, we will be tasked with the mission of character development coupled with, and just as important, self-acceptance.

I have also learned that just as self-acceptance is important for how I view myself, it is vital for how I view my spouse. When we try to change who our spouse is we will hit up against a wall, and rightfully so. We cannot control or take ownership of our spouse’s struggles, behavior, or pain. We can only control our own. I know—not cool. I’m still learning that. I seem to know it and unknow it more times than I would like to admit.

I think as we grow older in our marriage things do get easier. You know each other better, and there is a certain comfort and ease. At the same time, as the family grows the challenges get more intense. There is a lot at stake, and that can feel scary. One of the ways we move through overwhelming situations is with humor—by not taking ourselves too seriously. Trust me, it’s a lifesaver.

My husband and I both have very strong personalities. I know, shocking. Our strength comes from different places. My husband leads with his intellect. He’s strong, a leader, and can take charge (Enneagram 8). I lead with my emotions. I have strong intuition and I’m very sensitive to energies (Enneagram 4).

The more time we each spend understanding what drives us, what circumstances provoke strong reactions for each of us, and what our core fears are, the less hold it has on us. When we can recognize the patterns that we fall into, or like our therapist likes to call it “the dance,” the less urgent and scary it feels.

We still find ourselves in the dance, but we both have made so much progress in recognizing and understanding how we got there, what the triggers were, and sometimes we can even turn it around in the moment.

So, on the eve of our 16th anniversary, I’m going to take a moment to be proud. Proud of our growth, proud of our perseverance, and proud of the beautiful relationship we have built despite, and because of, all we have been through together.

To many more happy, healthy, action packed years,

L’Chaim!

Chavie

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