Inspired by last week’s episode with Paola (listen here), I felt motivated to share my meandering fitness journey. These days, it seems like almost everyone with a social media platform is a fitness expert, or is at least publicly obsessed with the gym :).

I often share when I’m coming or going from the gym, but I don’t post a lot about my personal workouts, mostly because 1) I’m so far from an authority on this subject, and 2) I’m not so hardcore (like so many of you), so I don’t feel like I have much to share. Yet, I’m thinking it might be nice to hear about a regular person’s fitness experience. I don’t know everything there is to know. I don’t even know the names of most of the lifts that I do, but I’d like to think I’m somewhat strong with a regular body. I’ve tried many different modalities, and I’m always up to trying something new.

So here I go:

From a young age, I knew that I needed to move my body. I didn’t know why, I just felt it. I didn’t grow up with people around me exercising, so I didn’t have a lot of context or resources, but I figured it out. Wherever I was, I always found a way to work out. I’ve done Jazzercise, Pilates, group classes, kickboxing, Barre, cycling, and good old-fashioned weight training. Sometimes I did whatever I had access to, and sometimes I felt pulled to something in particular.

For the last eight years, I’ve been consistent with my routine of strength training at the gym. I work out in a small group (there are three of us) with a trainer, and I love it so much! I go to the gym twice a week and, as I said, I’ve been doing that for years. Having a trainer is key for me. I really hate figuring out my own workout. I want someone to tell me what to do, I want someone to hold me accountable, I want someone making sure my form is proper, and of course, I need to be pushed out of my comfort zone; I’m not volunteering for that on my own. Like my trainer says, “You didn’t hire me for easy.”

I live in a town that is so fit and active that it can be overwhelming. The things people do for fun, and the level of skill people have here in Bozeman, are crazy. The things people do here on a regular Tuesday would blow your mind, just saying. At times, I can feel so inadequate or so behind everyone else. I constantly remind myself that working out isn’t my full-time job, and my goals are only to be strong and healthy. I’ve definitely come a long way, and while I still can’t do an unassisted pull-up, I can do some killer push-ups. I can bench press pretty well, but Bulgarian split squats will be the end of me. In general, I hold my own :).

About a year and a half ago, I started my Ayurveda journey with Paola, and she encouraged me to add some more movement on the days that I don’t go to the gym. I knew she was right, but I was scared to commit. As I started to understand my constitution (see here for a breakdown on what your birth constitution means in Ayurveda) and what my body type needed (see here for a live analysis by Paola on my body type and birth constitution) to stay healthy, emotionally and physically, I realized two things: first, I finally understood that my body was telling me what it needed and that was why I always found a way to work out, even though I’m not athletic or coordinated lol. Good thing I mostly listened. And second, I was ready for more. I needed to step it up, but I needed to do something sustainable, something I could be consistent with.

I didn’t have time to go to the gym more than twice a week, but I do have a treadmill at home, so making use of it seemed like the perfect solution. I’ve now incorporated twice a week on the treadmill, and I’m going strong for a year and a half. I started off with just fifteen minutes, something super doable and habit-forming. I can get super competitive with myself, so I needed some reminders to come back to center and not get carried away. I’m now doing a happy thirty minutes. If I feel like doing more, I do, and if I’m feeling overwhelmed, I go back to my baseline of fifteen minutes.

Over the years, while trying all different types of exercises, I’ve learned many things. Some things must be relearned over and over again, and some things stick the first time. But there are three concepts that have impacted me the most.

1. Something is always better than nothing. Our brain often likes to think in absolutes. If I can’t do a full hour of an intense HIIT routine, I might as well not do anything at all. If I can’t lift X number of pounds, what’s the point? I’m just a failure. That’s the farthest thing from the truth. Anything you do is more than nothing, and starting small (even if you feel somewhat pathetic) allows you to form real, sustainable habits.

2. There is a lot of information/noise out there. Do cardio, skip cardio, only lift, Pilates is the best, Barre is the best, run, don’t walk, weighted vest, no weighted vest… you get the idea. You know what I learned (with the help of Paola)? MOVE YOUR BODY HOWEVER YOU CAN! You can have goals, but don’t let that distract you from the ultimate goal, which is living a long and healthy life.

3. Love what you’re doing; it will be so much easier to do. If you dread the particular workout, how long are you going to do it? Plus, the day is too short to be miserable. I promise you can find a routine that you love, and it can be anything you want it to be.

So what does my actual workout look like?

I strength train twice a week in a small group with a trainer. It’s usually a full-body workout, about six or seven exercises per session, mostly three sets of eight to twelve reps. We do a mix of dumbbells, barbells, cables, bodyweight exercises, and some med ball work.

A typical workout might include lower-body movements like reverse lunges, split squats, goblet squats, walking lunges, leg extensions, and hamstring curls. For upper body, we’ll do things like chest flys, bench press, Arnold presses, seated rows, pullovers, bicep curls, and snatches. And then, of course, there’s always some core or conditioning mixed in: wall balls, Pallof presses, cable torso twists, reverse crunches, med ball tosses, all the fun stuff :).

There you have it!! I try my best and really love to have a trainer and workout partners to keep me going.

I will end with my favorite piece of advice: BALANCE! If you remember that, you’ll be golden.

Stay strong.

Love,

Chavie

Chaim Shaul and I went on a runaway! I really needed a few days to come up for air post Bar Mitzvah to regroup. Also, summer is right around the corner. The kids are wrapping up school and tourists are starting to show up so this was a good moment to take a breath.

I also must tell you about the episode we just released yesterday with my dear friend Paola. She lives in Bozeman and she runs the yoga retreat I go to in Mexico that I’ve told you guys so much about, like here:

She has impacted my life in such a big way and I love that I finally get to share her with you. She is a yoga instructor and Ayurvedic healer, and every ounce of this episode is soaked with wisdom, inspiration, and brilliant life hacks. Listen and let me know what you think!!

Spotify

Apple Podcasts

YouTube

While I’m out of town, I’m recording a little something special which I’m excited to share with you soon :). I also got a few special love notes from some people who listened to the episode yesterday and I was so touched that I wanted to share it with you guys:

Anyway, that’s my little check-in from the road. More soon.

Love,

Chavie

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I’m sitting here really excited to write this post, simply because I’m writing about a travel experience during COVID-19.

I love to travel! I always have, it’s in my blood! Hence a whole category of my blog is dedicated to travel and adventure. One of the challenging things for me during the crazy era we are living in is the fact that I’m grounded. We had a trip to Israel planned for March that was canceled. I travel a lot for speaking engagements, and so many planned events and travel opportunities (never mind the financial loss associated with them) became obsolete. Yes, in the big scheme of things, it’s not the end of the world, but it’s ok and healthy to acknowledge the disappointment and the grief of not being allowed to do the things you love and that keep you sane.

Taking an RV trip has been on our bucket list forever. It always felt out of reach for some reason, whether financially, logistically, or because of the fear of the unknown. My husband and I were talking, and we concluded that now might be the perfect time to try it out. Firstly, because there is less travel and less demand, the prices dropped, which made it a lot more affordable. Secondly, we are all looking for a change of scenery and some adventure. Thirdly, we had no schedule or commitments tying us down, so what do we have to lose!?

For our first time, we decided to dip our toes in slowly and planned a 5-day trip while staying in Montana. The RV we rented was from Cruise America. I knew beforehand what to expect, definitely not super high quality, but it totally worked for our first time. It was the most convenient and accessible option for a last-minute trip. I would probably not use them again, but I love the fact that I now know what I want and what specific things to look for. We rented a 30-footer and it was a good size for six people. Remember, I went on one RV trip for five days—I am by no means an expert, but I am so happy to share my experience.

We rented the RV Thursday afternoon and weren’t sure how to pack it until I got a good look at the interior. Once I saw what I had to work with, I was able to make a plan. It’s really cool not to have to pack suitcases; I literally filled up a laundry basket and emptied it into the cubbies. It wasn’t too stressful because we weren’t going for that long, but I think I would’ve had to be way more organized and thoughtful if it were a longer trip. The one thing I wasn’t used to packing was bedding and towels. The fridge was small but decent. It took a couple of hours to load up and then we were off.

We drove for about three hours and stayed in Missoula at a KOA campground. It was really fun, we had a picnic dinner, the kids got to ride their bikes and just enjoy. Bedtime with four kiddos is definitely where things get interesting. For one, it doesn’t get dark until about 10:00 PM (and gets light again at about 5:00 AM, so late to bed and early to rise), and Chana Laya, my toddler, really enjoyed her freedom out of a crib and took the longest time to settle down. No one really slept great the first night, but I did notice each night got better. So, you do need to account for time to acclimate and not expect smooth sailing right away.

Setting up the beds and folding them away in the morning takes some time and organization. I think it’s really helpful not to have a strict timetable, so you can take things slow and minimize stressful moments. Remember, this is supposed to be an enjoyable experience.

I’m the type of person who needs space in general, so I would say the most challenging thing for me was the tight quarters. At one point I asked myself what I was thinking, taking the same people I had been quarantined with and sticking ourselves into an even smaller space. The irony did not go unnoticed. It was something to laugh at in good humor.

Shabbos was the one thing I did not feel ready to undertake. I am incredibly lucky that my sister lives five hours away in the gorgeous Flathead Valley. We used this opportunity to visit her and spend Shabbos with family. It was actually perfect, because while we couldn’t fit in her house, it was amazing to be there for Shabbos and have sleeping arrangements just outside her home. I think if you’re planning or thinking about an RV trip, I would highly recommend planning it around a place where you can be for Shabbos. It will make it so much easier. If not, kudos to you and let me know how you do it, maybe I will be brave enough to try it next time!!

We enjoyed our last night in Helena, where we learned to empty the black and gray water for the first time. Or I should say my husband learned, I wanted nothing to do with it!

Have you experienced burnout? I want to hear what it felt like for you. Send me a voice note, and we’ll bring some of your stories into the conversation after the interview in next week’s episode.

So many people asked me, “How was it?”, “Was it fun?”, “Would you do it again?”…

Here is what I have to say: It is so much fun and also really hard, kinda like life 😉. We happen to love adventure and trying new things, fully aware that it comes with a lot of unique learning opportunities. Would I do it again? Absolutely! Here are some of the things I learned and would make sure to bring next time.

• Gloves – For emptying the sewer tank (we didn’t have any, so we used grocery bags and it worked)

• Swiffer for the floor

• Diffuser – It’s a very small space for quite a few people, with the bathroom being right in the middle of things. Having something to spread a pleasant smell would be great.

• Aluminum foil – Really helped cover up the window and block some light that was right on top of the kids’ bed. (I was able to get some at my sister’s house the second night and it really made a difference.)

• Ponchos – In case of rain (see below), you will be able to maneuver without getting drenched.

If you’re planning a longer trip, making sure everything has a secure spot is super important, so things don’t fly around and everything stays contained.

We had a lot of rain, which made it a little harder. You are meant to spend most of your time outdoors on an RV trip. The rain made that hard to do, which made it a little more challenging in tight quarters. So next time I would plan a trip later in the season when dry weather is more reliable.

Part of the fun is figuring it out as you go along! Don’t expect perfection and be open to all experiences and you will not regret it 😊.

Love,

Chavie

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Last week’s episode, let me know what you think!

Happy Sunday 😬

Have I told you that Sundays are so hard for me? I’m writing this on Sunday and it’s not helping that it’s snowing (May 17th no less). This isn’t unusual, it happens every year, and yet every year I’m offended by it :).

Here we are, Bar Mitzvah firmly behind us. I want to do a proper recap and reflection but finding it hard to do when I’m deep in the crash of it all.

Does it take away from the awesomeness of a big life event if we address the aftermath, emotional and physical? 🤷‍♀️

I hope not! I think it’s one of those things that happen and we can benefit from giving it space. I’ve come to understand, and believe, that most things in life, especially the big stuff, are never just one-dimensional. Things are complicated, multi-dimensional, and, often, emotionally confusing.

One thing is for sure: everything about the Bar Mitzvah was incredible, exceeding all expectations. From Shabbos, to Monday, the day of Menny’s Aliyah at the Torah, to the big bash on Tuesday, and all the hospitality meals in between; it was all so special. How do you capture the energy, the joy, the love, and the community, in words? It’s a good thing we have these moments captured on camera by the one and only @chanablumesphoto! That definitely helps!

I had to pinch myself as I watched Menny read from the Torah so naturally. My heart almost couldn’t contain the experience of watching Menny sing and perform with Nissim Black onstage, owning his unique place in the world loud and proud. I was filled with pride watching Menny make every single person feel like a million bucks for coming and celebrating with him, making sure every kid got attention and love.

I knew there were going to be so many emotionally overwhelming moments throughout the celebration, so I wanted to prepare myself as much as I could to be as present as possible. Of course, I enlisted my therapist in this endeavor, and we talked a lot about different ways to stay in my body :). So, in the middle of the party I stood up on a chair and took a minute to observe and take in all that was happening. Seeing all the family and friends who flew in to celebrate with us, showing up in the best way with the best energy, humbled me on a deep level. It’s a long trip, so anyone who was there wanted to be there, and I know how much effort it takes.

Watching our incredible Bozeman community, who have been on this journey with us from the beginning in the most supportive and loving way, groove with Nissim Black, brought tears to my eyes.

This was so much more than a Bar Mitzvah. It was a personal acknowledgement and celebration of accomplishments and perseverance of epic proportions. And not only was it a personal celebration, but it was also a communal celebration. We didn’t do this alone. We are here today because of our village, and our village deserved to be celebrated. And celebrate we did.

I knew coming off this Bar Mitzvah week would be hard. I knew I was going to be riding a big high and eventually I would have to come down from that. Intellectually I knew it, but I think somewhere in my heart I thought maybe I could avoid it, like somehow I would seamlessly transition back to life. Alas, the crash was hard.

It was emotionally taxing to watch all my family and friends leave. I was physically exhausted from all the work that’s entailed in making a simcha outside of an established religious community and coming right off Pesach, no less. And most of all, facing all the same realities that existed before the Bar Mitzvah that shockingly still exist after the great party, which is the hardest challenge of all. Reckoning with the pride/joy/gratitude for how far we’ve come, and boy oh boy how far there still is to go.

The celebrations are over and the day-to-day struggles and behavior challenges didn’t magically disappear. 🫠

Such is life, such is my life in particular. I’m working through it ;).

And honestly, this is why it’s so important to celebrate these moments. They are hard earned!

In my opinion, all milestones, accomplishments, and achievements need to be focused on and should be a big deal. It allows us to step out of the daily grind and remember and focus on all that we are grateful for.

I hope everyone finds and acts on the moments to celebrate, big and small!

🩷 Chavie

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P.S. As you look through these photos, I want to acknowledge the people who truly made all our dreams come true!

@ebenhiyoun
@gromybrand
@wandernorthevents
@armoryhotel
@chanablumesphoto
@eventsbycnh
@NissimBlack

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Mother’s Day is a very complicated day. There are people who have lost mothers, people who are yearning to be mothers, people who struggle with being mothers, people who have complicated relationships with their mothers, and the list goes on. My thoughts on this are that it’s important to be sensitive on this day, and at the same time it’s ok, and even important, for people to be able to express their gratitude and appreciation for what they have.

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This year I would like to focus my Mother’s Day blog post on the gratitude I have for my mother and what she’s taught me. She never sat down and said, “This is what I want you to know”… she led by example, and I feel blessed and grateful that I can share with you some of the top life lessons I’ve learned from her over the years:

Faith – I have never met someone more connected and faith-driven than my mother. It’s at the core of everything. I know that as Jews we all have it, but it’s not always visible. With my mother, you see it in everything she does. I’d be lucky to be able to emulate even a fraction of that.

Passion – My mother would probably be considered an introvert; she’s socially warm and friendly but does not like to be the center of attention. Yet, when there is something that she believes in strongly, there is no stopping her. I so admire the passion and strength she has to stand up for what she believes is right. I’ve been told that I’m pretty passionate, and I’m proud to say I come by it honestly ☺

Modesty – My mother has mastered the amazing combination of being modest and fashionable. She will never compromise on her standards and will always be the image of class. It’s something I constantly work on, and I have a beautiful role model to mimic.

Attentive (attention to detail) – One of the coolest things I have learned is so subtle, yet so powerful. I grew up in an open home with a ton of guests. My mother was always very attentive and the ultimate host. What blew me away (and still does) is how she really paid attention to what people liked, what food was their favorite, all the small details. When that person would return, she would always make sure to prepare the foods they most enjoyed. That made a huge impression on me. I hope that being around that kind of sensitivity has rubbed off on me.

Do everything in the best possible way – There is no doing things halfway with my mother; there’s no cutting corners. If you are going to do something, do it right! Whether it’s a Shabbos meal, a preschool program, or a birthday party, it will always be done with class and every detail perfected.

My mission in life is to take these wonderful lessons and be able to apply them to my life in my own unique way.

Happy Mother’s Day to all! I hope everyone finds their form of peace, acceptance, and comfort.

Love,

Chavie

Reporting live from Bozeman… I truly can’t believe this day is here. After months of planning, prepping, coordinating, stressing and more than a little spiraling, our Bar Mitzvah weekend is in full motion. The house is full, family and friends have come in from all over, there’s energy in every corner, and everything is starting to come together. I’m trying to pause in the middle of it all and take it in… my only son is becoming a Bar Mitzvah today.

I’m going to keep things short and sweet, but if you haven’t had a chance to listen to yesterday’s episode yet, here it is:

This interview was recorded exactly a year ago, so I’m so excited that it’s finally out in the world. Listen to the intro for all the deets ;)).

Also, this week’s Hot Take segment is pretty juicy: Jewish Books vs. Non-Jewish Books—Where Do You Draw the Line? This prompt is a follow-up from last episode’s Book Buddy convo. It made me wonder where we all draw the line when it comes to secular culture. Stick around until the end of the episode for the Hot Take segment, where I play your voice notes reacting to this prompt, it’s always one of my favorite parts. And make sure to look out for my next prompt so you can send me your hot take. I’m dying to hear what you think on all these juicy topics!

Love,

Chavie

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It’s 20 degrees, snowing and windy, and I’m standing outside watching Chana Laya’s first ever soccer game.

A few hours earlier, Menny had a soccer game (while I was teaching Tanya), so we divided and conquered: Chaim Shaul went to Menny’s game, and I went to Chana Laya’s.

It’s the first year that we have two kids in soccer, so I have no idea how this is going to play out.

While I was standing there in the cold, freezing my TUCHUS off, I was thinking about the conversation I had with Elin on the last podcast (listen here). We talked about attending sports games and the narrative around that. What does it mean to be a good mom? Oh boy, does society have ideas about that.

It’s really nice and dandy before we have kids to have an idea of what kind of mother we want to be, and what constitutes a mom who is present and involved.

I’m never going to yell.
We are going to eat healthy and limit sugar.
I’ll be at every sports game.
I’m only going to breastfeed.
No screens.

You get the idea. The list goes on.

In truth, it rarely goes how we imagine.

Over the years, while Menny played every sport available and I wasn’t at every game, I had to reckon with how I feel about it, and the judgment we face or put on ourselves. I am a good, supportive, and involved mom. I facilitate all my kids’ extracurricular activities by holding down the fort at home with the other kids, making dinner, filling water bottles, etc.

Moms are inundated with so much information. Do this, don’t do this. Parent this way, don’t parent that way… it’s a lot of noise.

The expectations put on mothers (and fathers) these days are immense.

Be a friend.
Be a parent.
Make sure you spend time with them (one-on-one, no less).
Make sure they have the skills to be independent.
Make sure that they respect you.
Free expression is vital.
Be at every game.
Have a home-cooked dinner ready and waiting on schedule.

We are expected to do it all, and it’s overwhelming; it was meant to take a village.

And yes, all this was going through my head at the soccer game. What can I say? Philosophy is in my blood.

Bottom line: if you’re asking yourself whether you are a good mom or not, then congratulations—you’re on the right track. You care, you think about it, and you’re doing your best.

You’ll know in your heart of hearts if you’re a good parent (and you’ll also know if you’re being honest with yourself). Don’t let anyone else’s ideas determine that for you.

Will I be at every soccer game? No, I will not. But you know what I do have? I have a village, and they show up. The community we have in Bozeman is family, and there is always someone showing up for the games and so much more. They will always have someone cheering for them on the sidelines, and they will always have me, their biggest cheerleader, whether I’m at the game or at home.

Love,

Chavie

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Last Week’s Episode on Totally Unexpected!

If you listened to this week’s episode, you already know how much I love my long-distance book buddy relationship with Elin. We read together, we send each other voice notes mid-chapter as if something urgent just happened (because it did 😄), and honestly, it’s become one of my favorite parts of the week.

During the episode, we reviewed all the books we’ve read together. Here is that list. Not just the ones we loved but also the ones we couldn’t stop talking about and that stayed with us long after reading the last page.

Here are links to the latest episode wherever you get your podcasts :)).

Our Book Buddy List

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And because clearly I don’t have enough book content in my life 😄, here are a few podcasts that Elin recommended for the best deep dives, reviews, and to discover what’s next.

Book Podcasts I’m Loving

The Currently Reading Podcast

Poured Over

Totally Booked with Zibby

Sarah’s Bookshelves Live

From the Front Porch

Meagan’s Book Club Podcast

The Bibliophilles

If you have a book buddy, send them this list. If you don’t, maybe this is your sign to get one 🙂. And if you’ve read any of these, I want to hear what stayed with you.

Love,

Chavie

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Hi Hi Hi!

Wow, what a couple of weeks!

How’s everyone doing?! Transitioning into routine can be brutal….

I woke up this morning feeling the overwhelm. On the one hand, Pesach is behind us, and that is a huge accomplishment. And… Menny’s Bar Mitzvah is in three weeks, and oh boy, it’s getting real. I told myself that I would tackle all the details after Pesach, and here we are. Usually after Pesach, I take some time to recharge after the huge output of energy. I have learned over the years how helpful that is for me physically and mentally, but this year it’s going to have to wait. I’ve got to re-rev that engine back up, and it’s a little scary. I’m quite tired.

When you make a simcha (joyous milestone event) living outside a religious community, there are a lot of details that otherwise aren’t relevant.

There are no kosher restaurants or access to kosher food, so part of the Bar Mitzvah prep includes hospitality and providing meals for our beautiful guests. It’s really fun and provides a very fun element to the occasion, but I just need to make a plan. Knowing that you need a plan but not having it yet can feel daunting, but once I figure it out, it will be a lot of work but less scary (I hope).

Back to this morning…. I woke up, and reality hit pretty hard. I didn’t get great sleep, and that always makes life feel twice as hard. I have to get to my Tanya class by 9:30 (but that always makes my day so much better in the end). I know I have to write for Substack, start getting a grip on the Bar Mitzvah, I spent two hours meeting with a local friend, and I have a house full of bored children.

When I came home from Tanya class, Zeesy and Chana Laya ended up having a day out with a close friend, so they were covered. Menny was out of sorts and had a really rough morning. I know the solution to that is getting out into nature, but try convincing a teenager to buy in. But we did! So, me, Chaim Shaul, Chaya, and Menny headed out to hike the M.

And off we go!

We took a few wrong turns, ended up in a twenty-minute downpour, and resisted the urge to head down before we got to the top. “We made it this far,” I kept saying. In the rain, no less, we can do this!

And do it we did! And it always feels so good! Nothing feels better than doing something hard.

But the cherry on top was watching Menny put on tefillin at the top of the mountain. Due to his rough morning, he hadn’t done it yet, so Chaim Shaul encouraged him, and he schlepped his tefillin to the top so he could have the opportunity to bring some extra G-dliness to a place that probably hasn’t had many tefillin moments, if any.

The day took a turn for the better, like it usually does with a little physical exercise in Hashem’s beautiful world.

The hike was inspired in order to get Menny outside and out of his funk. I was debating if I should even go due to how much work I had to do, but it turns out I needed it just as much! The work will always be there. Getting out and having quality time with Menny and Chaya was an opportunity I didn’t want to pass on, and I’m so glad that I didn’t.

I’m still overwhelmed, but overwhelmed in a happier way, if that makes any sense.

Love,

Chavie

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Hi guys!!

I’m trying something new here :)). This isn’t the ordinary essay that I deliver on Tuesday’s, just a quick little Pesach greeting to the loyal readers of this blog I love so much. Sometimes, when holidays come around we skip a week of essays so I figured, instead of skipping, I would just keep it short and sweet, and of course throw in behind the scenes of all the prep.

As promised, here is Chana Laya’s private tour:

Here are some the most recent episodes we released on the podcast. Stay tuned for a special episode next week! And when I say special, I mean it. It’s something totally new, we’ve never done before and we are releasing it as a bonus companion to your Chol Hamoed entertainment!

Rivkah Slonim

Chaim Bruk

Anna Sherman

I hope you have a wonderful and liberating Pesach (at least once all the cooking, cleaning, and prep is done!)

With so much love,

Chavie

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Soooo obviously - I am NOT bored! As you probably read in my last Substack essay–Dispatch From the Road– I am the last thing from bored, and trust me the chaos has only boomeranged since then. However, I thought it was interesting to read this piece I wrote during the early weeks of the pandemic and remember how quickly our lives can change and that whatever overwhelm we are feeling now is fleeting when considering the the bigger picture.

Also, I hope this list of 21 (!!!) games can help you and your kids enjoy the holiday that much more. Or just save this list for when you really are bored. Okay, happy reading!

So we have been going at this home life thing for a few weeks now. I don’t know about you but we are getting a little stir crazy… For a lot of us we are going to be celebrating the holiday of Passover next week. Having a new toy on hand to change things up can really be a lifesaver!

I put together a list of some toys, games, and puzzles (there are not many books on the list as I am hoping to do a separate book list one of these days) that I really like. I think there is something for everybody on this list. Most of the things on the list are appropriate for the Jewish holiday observance. There are a few that aren’t, but being that kids aren’t going back to school anytime soon I included them as I’m sure they will always come in handy.

I like to keep a bunch of stuff in my closet that the kids don’t know I have, and pull them out when it’s most needed! I find having things on hand has saved me more times than I can count.

1. Gravitax — innovative marble run, super cool! They have a lot of different sets that you can add and build a collection. This is a great beginner set. Great for boys and girls, recommended age 8 & up.
   

2. Grimms — oh this company speaks to my soul. The most beautiful wooden toys ever! They have so many different options, it’s a whole world. This was the first set I started with and it’s so versatile and a great start to a collection I know you’re going to want to build. Amazing for all ages! Please check out what other Grimm options are available.
   

3. Quaggle — super fun, it’s like reverse Jenga with crazy shapes. Great family game, ages 5 & up.
   

4. Slapzi — I am really not a game person, like really not, I don’t find any pleasure in them at all 😳 But even I had fun playing this!
   

5. Squigz — these are a fun suction construction 😉 great for toddlers and even older kids get into it. Eight different versatile shapes, pieces connect easily and POP apart. Great bath toy as well!
   

6. Family puzzle — this is so cool! A family puzzle with different size puzzle shapes — all ages are able to participate and create a puzzle together. Pretty genius if you ask me 👍
   

7. Fidget puzzle — if you have some kids who don’t really play or who have ADHD like in my family 😉 this is a great fidget toy and puzzle in one. Once you get it into a crazy shape you have to figure out how to get it back into a square. Really popular with kids around 10 & up.
   

8. Axe Throwing — so I have a really active boy who loves to throw things… these are velcro so they won’t damage anything and you can do it indoors. I can’t wait to try these.
   

9. Dimpl Digits — audio, visual, and kinesthetic learning all in one. Perfect toddler experience 😉 (not for holiday).
   

10. Paper Airplane — I love Usborne! They have great books and activity books. I linked a few here but I could go on forever so please check out all the options, there are so many! I feel like this would keep my kids busy for a while.
    

11. All About Feelings — who couldn’t use this right now 😉 So important to be able to help facilitate our children identifying with feelings and emotions they might be having.
    

12. Science for Beginners — if you have kids that love information, this is the set for you.
    

13. Lift the Flap Adding & Subtracting — this is cool especially now when we are doing school from home (notice I didn’t say homeschooling 😏). Makes learning math somewhat fun. They also have ones for multiplication and division, fractions and decimals, so check it out!
    

14. Embroidery Kit — this is great for a rainy day, never hurts having it around. (I just hope my kids don’t ask me for help because I won’t be of any use 😏).
    

15. Paint by Sticker — my kids loved this, just took it with us on our recent trip. Extra bonus: doesn’t make a mess!
    

16. My Family Builders — I love these! Covers all skills: social emotional, cognitive, language, and physical. Great for a large age range. Comes with activity cards inside for added challenge and fun.
    

17. Shopkins — oldie but goodie 🙂 these keep one of my daughters busy for hours.
    

18. Crocodile Creek Puzzle (ages 2 & up) — by far my favorite puzzle company!
    

19. Crocodile Creek Puzzle (ages 5 & up) — again, love these. They have so many different options. I have a whole collection.
    

20. Pegs — just such a classic. I’m sure so many of us remember playing with these.
    

21. Gravity Maze by Think Fun — I had to add this. Different from the Gravitax I posted, but so cool and makes you use your brain.

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Hope you enjoyed this list as much as I enjoyed putting it together! Also, don’t forget about the podcast episode we just released yesterday, a fascinating conversation I had with the acclaimed author and self proclaimed Chassidic feminist, Rivkah Slonim. You can find it on Spotify HERE, on Apple Podcasts HERE, and on YouTube HERE.

Happy prepping!

Love,

Chavie

I’m writing to you guys from the road.

I know. It’s two and a half weeks before Pesach, so what the heck am I doing on the road? Such a good question. One that I’ve had to wrestle with and still am. Here’s the thing: my kids have Spring Break and public schools aren’t taking my schedule into consideration, much to my dismay.

Every part of me feels like I need to be home prepping for Pesach. And I also know that being home with the kids while they’re off from school as I try to get work done is a recipe for a lot of conflict and negative energy. It feels weird, because it’s not like I have babies and toddlers at home. But I tell ya, the pre-teen/ teenage years ain’t for sissies! The dynamics right now in my house aren’t conducive for mom working and kids chilling. So we made the executive decision to bite the bullet and go on a little local trip. It forces me and Chaim Shaul to be present with them and that’s what’s in order. It’s not a bad idea to fill the kids’ cups before a very hectic season. Whether my cup is being filled, that’s a different story.

I am a bit worried because they do take a lot of energy, the fighting and attitude come along wherever we go, and when we get back it’s going to be major crunch time. It feels very de-stabilizing for me to be on a trip this close to Pesach. So here’s what I’m going to practice and work on, my mantras so to speak.

I’m going to use this opportunity to be present with my kids.

I’m going to find moments to recharge.

When I start to panic, I’m going to remember that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I’m not home, I cannot Pesach prep, so I might as well have fun.

It will all fall into place by hook or by crook.

With all that said and done, I have a message for our people in Israel:

I’m very aware that these are first world struggles. I haven’t stopped thinking about all of you trying to navigate Pesach during a war, running to bunkers and kids not in school for weeks already. I don’t know how you do it! You are made of some really tough stuff. I also know that many of you are probably panicking and feel a huge amount of overwhelm. Guess what? You can be tough and freak out at the same time! I have a lot of respect and admiration for all of you.

Anyway, I really hope we all find the strength and inner reserve to face and handle our own personal adversities. This holiday is all about freedom, right? Personal and collective.

Here’s a list of our most recent podcast episodes to keep you company as you prep!

EP 40 Chaim Bruk - HEAD SHLIACH

EP 39 Anna Sherman

EP 38 Mushky Yiftach Hashem

See ya on the other side!

Chavie

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Twenty years, BH! It Just feels so big.

I wrote this essay four years ago. As I read it now I’m struck by how much we have grown and how hilarious it is that so much is still the same. Marriage, right?! In all seriousness I’m feeling all the feels. It’s a huge milestone and I’m really proud of us!

Also, I just dropped a new episode on the Totally Unexpected! podcast that I did with my husband in honor of our anniversary. We go through our entire infertility and adoption story for the first time. This is a part two from last year’s episode where we walked through how we met, dated, got married, and moved to Montana! After this, what will we talk about next year?? I’m sure life will provide the content ;)).

Listen to the new episode here!

Listen to last year's episode here!

It’s intense enough trying to merge the lives of two humans, even without any extenuating circumstances. Too often when we are young and dealing with something big, a lot of the emotions and deep feelings get pushed aside due to a lack of tools or even a lack of awareness. We think we can move on by putting all our focus on solving “the immediate problem,” which in our case was figuring out how to build a family.

G-d had a very special life in store for us, and over the years we have encountered many life-altering challenges that constantly push us to dig deeper and deeper. Every time we find old wounds that we think are over and done with, they come back up. I’m talking all the way back to childhood. I’m sure you’ve heard about inner child work. Let me tell you, I really believe having a deep, meaningful partnership and being a present parent are very much dependent on addressing our childhood wounds.

We could’ve had the best childhood. We all have stuff. This is not blaming our parents for our struggles. This is about understanding why we do the things we do and why we make the choices we make. At times we could be operating out of fear or projecting our previous experiences onto our spouse or child. They are hard to confront, but facing them, understanding them, and having compassion for them is such a gift.

In the last sixteen years, these are some of the things we faced as a couple: permanent infertility, my husband’s mother passing away, adopting a preemie with a lot of medical trauma, adopting a child with a rare genetic disorder that took five years to diagnose, adopting our son who’s Black, and adopting a 12-year-old with an incredible amount of trauma.

After self-harm, attempted suicide, and other scary cries for help, it became clear that as much as we wanted to be able to handle it all without help, we couldn’t. Our daughter needed a protected and safe environment to work through all her traumas, so she went to a wilderness program followed by a year in a therapeutic equine boarding school.

To top it off, last year we had to send our eight-year-old son to treatment for severe behavioral issues. Having to do that twice for two different children hits hard. Not to mention running a Chabad center in a remote location with no family nearby. These life events take a toll, no matter how strong you are.

I mention all these experiences not because I’m into the comparative suffering game. I have no doubt that every single person in this world can make a list of challenges just as long. These just happen to be mine. The point I’m trying to make is that there are going to be obstacles in your life. They are going to affect you and your relationships. And that’s ok.

I can clearly remember the point in time when I realized it was time to go deeper. Sending Shoshana to wilderness was such a turning point for me and for my husband. When you have a child in treatment you are really confronted with your own baggage, and you are forced to face it head-on—for your child, for yourself, for your family. It opened a whole new world of pain and, as a result, profound healing.

Growth never stops. It evolves; it waxes and wanes. If we are in this world, we will be tasked with the mission of character development coupled with, and just as important, self-acceptance.

I have also learned that just as self-acceptance is important for how I view myself, it is vital for how I view my spouse. When we try to change who our spouse is we will hit up against a wall, and rightfully so. We cannot control or take ownership of our spouse’s struggles, behavior, or pain. We can only control our own. I know—not cool. I’m still learning that. I seem to know it and unknow it more times than I would like to admit.

I think as we grow older in our marriage things do get easier. You know each other better, and there is a certain comfort and ease. At the same time, as the family grows the challenges get more intense. There is a lot at stake, and that can feel scary. One of the ways we move through overwhelming situations is with humor—by not taking ourselves too seriously. Trust me, it’s a lifesaver.

My husband and I both have very strong personalities. I know, shocking. Our strength comes from different places. My husband leads with his intellect. He’s strong, a leader, and can take charge (Enneagram 8). I lead with my emotions. I have strong intuition and I’m very sensitive to energies (Enneagram 4).

The more time we each spend understanding what drives us, what circumstances provoke strong reactions for each of us, and what our core fears are, the less hold it has on us. When we can recognize the patterns that we fall into, or like our therapist likes to call it “the dance,” the less urgent and scary it feels.

We still find ourselves in the dance, but we both have made so much progress in recognizing and understanding how we got there, what the triggers were, and sometimes we can even turn it around in the moment.

So, on the eve of our 16th anniversary, I’m going to take a moment to be proud. Proud of our growth, proud of our perseverance, and proud of the beautiful relationship we have built despite, and because of, all we have been through together.

To many more happy, healthy, action packed years,

L’Chaim!

Chavie

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I’m sitting on Chana Laya’s bed as she tries to wind down and fall asleep (always hard to do after a rockin’ Purim party Bozeman style — we know how to party in these parts!) which gives me a minute to just be present and take it all in.

I don’t think I’m only speaking for myself, but Purim could be a hard holiday. I think the energy is so powerful that the Satan (negative forces) come out to play. Yet I’ve gotten better at it over the years and I always feel good when I can tap into the special energy of the day. It definitely helps when I come home from a beautiful party at which over 100 of us Montanans celebrated our Jewish identity.

When we first moved to Bozeman, nineteen years ago, we didn’t need any themes, Purim was novel enough. But a few years in we started to do themes and it’s actually a lot of fun and really helps shape the party. This year’s theme was Purim in the World Cup (which made Menny very happy) and it was so fun. We had food from three different countries (Italy, Brazil, and France), an open bar, music, mask making, and a magic show.

The best costume award 💯 goes to Chaim Shaul. He is always so game to dress up and will literally do anything. Unlike me, it’s not my favorite thing, to say the least. Chaim Shaul is in charge of the family costumes every year and it works.

I wish all of us so much joy and the ability to tap into the amazing energy of this day and this month. There are a lot of powerful things going on in the world and we are definitely shifting into something incredible.

May the Purim energy fuel our Pesach prep!

Love,

Chavie

This is still too hard, too painful to talk about, but in my bed last night, I tried to see if I could write about it. My heart on the page. So here goes.

Believe in miracles, they say. So I did. And then I didn’t.

It got too hard, too confusing. So I shut out the possibility of a miracle. It kept me stuck, and I didn’t want to be stuck.

So I accepted what was right in front of me. I embraced my reality.

After all, I did experience miracles, five of them. And boy, do I cherish these five miracles of mine.

But here’s the thing. They are not in my life to fill a void. They are not a replacement for biological children. I was meant for them, and they were meant for me. I know that as clear as day. And my desire to have a biological child has nothing to do with them. It’s primal, visceral. One doesn’t replace the other. I know how privileged I am to raise children through adoption. I wouldn’t change it for the world. They aren’t the lucky ones. I am. AND I want a biological child. Not instead, but also. Not because my kids aren’t enough, they are so beyond anything I could’ve imagined. One experience doesn’t substitute another.

I want to grow a child inside of me.

I want to give birth.

I want to see myself in my baby’s face.

I want to know what it feels like to have a piece of me outside of me.

G-d created women with the desire to procreate (yes, there are exceptions) it’s unnatural to not be able to.

A few months ago, my husband and I get a call. There’s been some development, another test.Do you want to try? What could it hurt?

Do we dare to hope, to open that door? Do we dare to believe in miracles? In this particular miracle? I’m so scared to even go anywhere near this. But I can do hard things, I tell myself. I was born for this.

Believe in miracles they say, so I do.

Manifest they say, so I do.

I’m surprised at how fast I can imagine the reality of a biological child.

And before I know it, I truly believe that it’s going to happen. My brain keeps saying this is a long shot, protect yourself. But my heart, my heart is a goner. There’s no going back.

I’m sure you know where this is going just by the fact that I’m writing this.

But let me spell it out: The test was unsuccessful.

Hashem can do anything He wants. I know that.

He doesn’t want this for us.

Apparently, what I want isn’t what Hashem wants….

Why after twenty years, open that door?

The grief.

I feel stupid for even allowing myself to hope. I should know better.

I don’t know how to deal with this grief. I don’t have the time to fall apart.

It’s almost like I’m being pushed to feel the grief from the first time around, because I definitely didn’t know how to feel the grief all those years ago.

Do I even know how to feel it now? I don’t know. I think if I do, it will consume me. I’m scared.

My brain tells me to feel ashamed that I feel so much loss, there is real loss in the world. I’m so blessed, but my heart, my heart feels it anyway. The heart wants what the heart wants.

I guess in the end the miracle is that I do believe in Hashem. I believe in the bigger picture. I believe that there is a purpose to it all.

I used to think that maybe I didn’t pray enough, beg enough, believe in miracles enough, and that’s why it didn’t happen.

But now I know this just isn’t my story, and I’m coming to terms with that, again.

Hashem can make it happen if He wants. And that will always be a truth.

But I’m not waiting for that, I’ve come full circle. The message is clear, and for some reason I needed to learn it again, and deeper.

The pain will always be there, and I will learn to live with it. Again.

I’m not ok, but I will be.

I wonder what it would be like to be nonchalant.

To have this “nothing affects me” vibe.

G-d did not create me that way! I’m very chalant. I care about many things. I have a lot of opinions and I don’t want to keep them to myself.

Sometimes I question whether it makes sense to share my thoughts but then I ask myself: What would the world be like if we all felt that we couldn’t fully express ourselves?

BORING.

I think it gets tricky when:

1. People share their thoughts in a combative way, and that is never going to land well. Delivery matters.

2. People share their opinions as facts or as “experts” when they clearly are not and have no credentials to back it up. In the age of influencing, everyone is an “expert” and that just makes people want to shut it out and ignore it all.

3. We lost our ability to hear people out. We are easily triggered and we can’t see that there is nuance and exceptions to the rules. Maybe you’re the exception but it doesn’t mean that what someone else is saying doesn’t hold some truth. Maybe your experience is different, doesn’t mean other people’s experiences aren’t valid.

4. It can be hard to discern what’s real. We see something, absorb it, shapes how we see an issue, how we think, and sometimes it’s simply made up! Unbelievable! But it’s up to you to be aware of that! Always verify the things you see/hear. Just saying.

5. We are scared to change. Yet it really is ok to change our opinion!
   This is what it sounds like: “After some thought and life experience I changed my opinion” or “I used to feel one way; now I feel differently.” Look at that, we are still alive :). To think that we are going to go through life never changing our mind, is ridiculous. You are so much cooler when you own it and most often people respect you for it.

With that long five-level intro, are you ready for some of my opinions? Not as an expert–I’m not telling you how you should feel or think, I’m just telling you how I think and feel. These are my observations and as we’ve established, I don’t feel like keeping them to myself.

So, what’s on the hot seat?

• Ozempic/ weight loss drugs

• Psychedelics

• Spirituality

I know that these are huge topics and seemingly have nothing to do with each other, but I’m seeing a common thread. I didn’t jump on the bandwagon to share these thoughts right away. I sat and observed them for years and some of my opinions shifted with time. I really didn’t want to make a fast judgement or share knee jerk reactions.

Ozempic & Weight Loss Drugs

As a kid who grew up in the 90’s, in the age of super models and one body type that was celebrated, it’s very jarring to see the current culture around body image. We are worshiping body size above all else. If you would tell me that the majority of people who are using weight loss drugs are people with serious health conditions, or a serious amount of weight to lose, I would feel differently, but that’s not what’s happening. We are normalizing taking a pharmaceutical to rid ourselves of “the last 10 pounds” or the “stubborn baby weight.” Often, those “last 10 pounds” are not even meant to be lost. And because we live in an age where we know so much about each other, it’s more than a personal journey. It’s what our sweet impressionable children are seeing. Lose weight at all costs! Whether you need to or not!

How are we back here after years of making such a huge effort to support and showcase all types? G-d didn’t make us all looking the same and my goodness, with Ozempic, Botox, fillers and who knows what else, we are heading into a society where we all look the same. Little skinny wrinkle free plump lip robots.

I’m not here for it.

While I’m at it, on to the next topic:

Psychedelics

Ok deep breath (I just took one, you should too).

Again, there are legitimate uses for this. Do I think it’s gone too far? Yes I do. I keep hearing psychedelics are like ten years of therapy at once. Red flag. There are no shortcuts. Remember learning about the long, short way? That’s a real thing. You know you can get to an enlightened state without any substances, it just takes a lot longer and it’s a lot harder. I am a Lubavitcher and the basis of Tanya is all about hard work, not the instant resolutions. If you’re backing up your psychedelic journeys with real therapeutic work with a licensed therapist (not a life coach), then maybe, but again I don’t think that’s what’s happening. Most of the time, we’re grasping and looking for anything to get relief and often it’s temporary and possibly detrimental.

Anything that requires us to not be fully present and conscious while we try to heal makes my inner alarm-bells go off. I get it, some things can be really really painful, and maybe that’s the only way, and yes maybe. So that puts you into the category for legitimate use, but hopefully with really careful supervision, it’s not a joke. I was tempted many times to give it a try, but something always held me back. And after many years of seeing it play out, I’m glad I listened to my inner voice.

I should probably stop here, but I’m sure I ruffled a lot of feathers already (not my goal, but it comes with the territory) so I’m going for broke.

Spirituality vs. Religion:

This might be the hardest one of the three topics to talk about. It’s so confusing and we’re confusing the heck out of our kids. Honestly, I’m really confused myself. Judaism isn’t a feel-good religion. Do we want to feel good serving Hashem? Absolutely! Guess what? That comes with a lot of intention, and a lot of surrender. If you feel like you’re not there yet, and you can’t do all the “stuff,” guess what? None of us can! It’s not about perfection; it’s about the journey. It’s about being honest with yourself. It’s about facing the things that are hard or the things you don’t align with as “your truth,” which is simply your visceral reaction to THE TRUTH. If you believe in the Torah as the TRUTH then this needs to be said, if you don’t believe in the Torah, then all this is irrelevant anyway.

I truly don’t want to, or need to, know what you do or don’t do in your relationship with Hashem. Yet, the way the world is currently operating, everything becomes our business. We must realize the impact that we are having. Breath work isn’t a substitute for religion; psychedelics isn’t a substitute for religion. Feeling spiritual and loving G-d is great and important, but that’s not all it takes. There are so many tools that can enhance our relationship with G-d, but it can’t substitute it. Meditation is a Jewish concept!! Being grounded and present is a Jewish concept! Being emotionally, physically and mentally healthy is a Jewish concept! All these things can be done within the G-dly framework.

It’s really hard to say these things, and maybe I shouldn’t, who knows. I hope it can be received in a positive way, in a way that makes us think and reflect. It has the potential to sound judgmental, but I’m not judging any individual (as humans we do judge, and we actively have to try not to). We don’t ever know anyone’s whole story and so it’s about a particular person’s choice or a particular group of people. It’s me digging deep into who I am and how I believe Jews are to connect with Hashem and how we interact with new-age ideas that can help but are often being used as substitutes for Torah-oriented spiritual living. I am questioning the movement that it’s becoming. In Montana we believe strongly in the idiom of “live and let live” but at what cost? At what point do I need to speak up? Why can’t I share my opinion on these hot topics without fear of repression? I don’t need to conform.

This is about the trend. The trend that’s telling our youth that Torah, Chassidus, and Jewish values which has trained us to do the hard work is irrelevant because we have quicker fixes that are more attractive.

If you know me, you know that I have lots of questions, struggles and circumstances that push my comfort level in a big way. I’m constantly working on my authentic relationship with Hashem. So, this isn’t about me having it all or thinking that “I’m smarter” than anyone else and have figured out how to have a perfect relationship with G-d. But let’s be real and honest, and call our struggles, struggles. Own the parts of Torah we don’t feel aligned with or frankly not interested in instead taking our modern inventions and trying to fit it into the Torah. We are all a work in progress, ain’t anything wrong with that, but it can be just that.

So, what’s the common denominator here? It’s this trend of trying to avoid what’s underneath, trying to find faster ways to feel healed. It’s neither new nor very effective. In the 60’s we were all about psychedelics. It didn’t work long term. In the 90’s we were all about being skinny and somehow that would be the path to happiness. Guess what? It didn’t work long term. It seems that what stands the test of time is Torah. The thing that G-d gifted to us is our true path to connection.

I know that there is so much religious trauma out there and it’s very real. Religious trauma usually comes from humans who use Hashem’s Torah as a power trip or worse! We must never sweep that under the rug! We must do better. I think that’s the job of our generation to heal from all of this. And maybe psychedelics and breath work and whatever else it takes is a part of the process, but I hope we don’t forget the point of it all which is G-d and His ideas.

Very important: Don’t take my word for it. Think about it, allow yourself to hear all sorts of opinions and thoughts. Dig deep, do your research, and then make your own decisions!

I truly love you all!

Your brave, or very stupid, friend,

Chavie

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A Trip to Utah’s Gems!

Our daughter Shoshana is in a therapeutic boarding school in Utah (near Zion National Park).

Family weekend was scheduled for November 20th, just a week before our other four kiddos had their Thanksgiving break. So long story short, our kids would be out of school for two weeks, this coming “naturally” after finally getting them back to school after the month-long Jewish holiday season!

While I was so excited to be able to visit Shoshana, I was not thrilled with the timing! I have been working on letting go of things that are out of my control, but the fact that I did not have any control over when Shoshana’s school has family weekend and how often my other children have vacation was really making me mad! But alas, I eventually had to come to terms with it, and we decided to explore the Utah parks and create a fun family adventure. It’s an eleven-hour drive from Bozeman and we would be gone for ten days. Road tripping takes a lot of physical and mental organization, especially when you observe kosher dietary laws and have a daughter, Zeesy, who has a medical diet and we need to pack her special meals for the entire trip. (See here for my essay on Zeesy’s health journey).

We started the drive on Wednesday and though we normally like to split up the trip and overnight along the way so as not to push the kids too much, this time we did the full eleven hours in one day, as we had to be at Shoshana’s school on Thursday morning. We always end up regretting it when we are too ambitious, but again, the kids were already missing so much school, we didn’t want to take off another day for just the drive. It was going pretty well, as good can be expected with a car full of young kids for hours on end. And…. we almost made it to our Airbnb in Hurricane, Utah, literally twenty minutes from our exit off the I-15, no jokes, twenty minutes, and boom, there was an accident where a few semi-trucks collided. One of them, loaded with tons of cheese, was now scattered all over the highway. The interstate was totally blocked off and being that we are on a narrow mountain pass, there was nowhere to go. WE WERE STUCK! It was so beyond frustrating. We had made it the whole day, we were so close and yet so far.

It was dinner time and bedtime; they wanted out! My husband and I were also exhausted and frustrated, but we rallied and realized that there’s literally nothing we can do but try to make a crummy situation as bearable as possible. So, we sang songs, told jokes, listened to music, and did the best we could to make a really tough situation a little more tolerable. I am really proud of ourselves for that :)

Two hours later we made it to our destination!

The Airbnb, close to Shoshana’s school, was perfect and we enjoyed a wonderful weekend and Shabbos together. We took beautiful family photos in Zion with our dear friends and most wonderful photographer team, Doug and Stana of Loneman Photography. Took some nice family strolls in scenic Hurricane and had much-needed quality time as a family of seven. We dropped Shoshana back off at school late Sunday morning, and started our trip back to Bozeman, which we were going to do through Utah’s beautiful parks.

We didn’t have an endless amount of time, so we really researched and planned for the best possible itinerary to fit our schedule.

Sunday: We drove through Zion (didn’t stop much because we’d been there before) and two hours later entered the incredible Bryce Canyon. Keep in mind, this was the beginning of winter, so it’s pretty cold and somewhat snowy, but us Montanans can handle it :). It’s hard to put words to the beauty we experienced at these majestic parks. We were just in a constant state of awe and so grateful to be able to expose our children to the wonders of G-d’s creation. It’s so important for me and my husband that our kids respect and appreciate this beautiful world we live in. But I digress... Bryce is this vast canyon of these jagged and pointy orange rock formations; that’s the best way I can think of describing it. And when we were there, there was a dusting of snow on top. It was really breathtaking. We walked around, enjoyed the fresh air, and took it all in.

We then drove another couple of hours and arrived in Escalante National Park, at which point we drove twenty miles on a dirt road to see Devil’s Garden. We arrived there a bit before sunset. We didn’t know what to expect at all, but that’s part of the adventure! We were greeted by these huge boulders that had the most awesome formations, a lot of them looking really cute, and the kids couldn’t get enough of it… We would’ve stayed longer, but it was getting dark and we didn’t want to drive the dirt road in the dark. We ended the night in the town of Escalante, where we stayed in the coolest yurt, with escalanteyurts.com! It was such a fun experience and just added more adventure and excitement to our trip.

Monday: Woke up in our cozy yurt, had breakfast, and packed up for another adventure-filled day. We took the most beautiful drive I’ve ever been on through Capitol Reef National Park. I mean, we didn’t want to take our eyes off the view for a minute; it was that good. Capitol Reef was another home run :) It was a huge valley full of wild rock formations. Sound similar?

We then entered Goblin Valley State Park, which isn’t national, but what a treat it is… The kids would’ve spent the whole day there, running up and down the rock formations, many that look like little goblins, hence its name. Another reason why these Utah parks are so amazing is that it was so fun and engaging for the kids, literally nature’s playground.

We then headed to Arches. So beautiful—everywhere we turned there was something amazing to see. We explored Sand Dune Arch, which was so cool. Huge towering rocks and the ground was red sand, beyond cool. Being that we were there in the winter, sunset was pretty early, so we headed to our Airbnb in Moab for the night.

Tuesday: After breakfast we made our way towards Canyonlands. It was freezing and the whole road up to the “Island in the Sky” was a sheet of ice. My husband was freaking out about the road conditions and we debated whether we should drive all the way up, but we decided we are here now, not sure when we will come back, and we should go for it. We drove really slow and steady, but so glad we did. Canyonlands is so vast and huge and breathtaking. We got out a bunch of times and took these little walks on the icy paths to see and take in these spectacular views. The park is so huge it’s divided into three parts, and we did “Island in the Sky,” but will be back sometime for the other sections, which are hours away. We then went back to Arches and climbed to the most amazing Windows Arch (in the ice again, which makes everything more adventurous), and once again stayed out till the sun was setting and then headed back to Moab.

Wednesday and Thursday: We made our way back to Bozeman through Price, Salt Lake City, Pocatello, and Island Park, and through hours of snowy weather that was stressful big time, we arrived home Thursday afternoon.

It was a wonderful trip and I highly recommend it! We had children of all ages and everyone had fun! Of course, it’s a road trip with a family and we had our moments :) but worth every minute.

Love,

Chavie

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Hi there! How was your weekend? Mine was pretty full. Let me tell you about it, as I’m sure you just can’t wait to hear :).

One and a half years ago, I celebrated my fortieth birthday, and my husband planned a great birthday bash. As a party favor, we gave out the book Letters for Life by Levi Shmotkin. It’s a fantastic book in which the author compiled the Rebbe’s letters addressing mental and emotional wellness. You can purchase it here: https://a.co/d/fTF7Wfl.

This past Shabbos, we were privileged to have Levi come speak to our community, and it was so great. He spoke beautifully, and I want to share one takeaway that really impacted me. You’ll have to hear him live for the rest :).

We all know the concept that when you’re in a dark place, it can often be helpful to focus on others, give back to our community, or look for places where we can contribute. In his talk, Levi shared a unique way of implementing this worldview, and I hope to make it part of my daily life.

He encouraged us to spend five short minutes each day utterly and completely thinking about someone else: their life, some challenges they might be experiencing, and where we might be able to show up for them.

Such a simple concept, yet so impactful. Yes, I’m on shlichus. Yes, I live a life of service. Yes, I spend a lot of time thinking about others. But not in this way, not completely separate from my “job.”

Taking five precious minutes to completely put our own lives and obstacles aside and give someone else our full attention is so powerful. I’m committed to adding this to my day. It can be five minutes focused on our kids, our parents, our spouse, our friends, strangers who are struggling, truly anybody.

I do believe we can all become a little less self-absorbed, a little less focused on our own “issues,” and even a little less obsessed with our own character development. I think this is a great way to do it. So I’m giving it a try, and I’ll let you know how it goes :).

Moving on from Shabbos to Sunday. Chaya is home for her school’s midwinter break, so it was a perfect time to take our family photos. To be honest, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to do it this year. My kids are getting older, and let’s be real, taking photos with a bunch of teenagers is not my idea of a good time, lol.

But in his infinite wisdom, Chaim Shaul really encouraged and advocated for it to happen. So even though I woke up this morning with lots of attitude and was being obnoxious about it, I eventually got over it. We had a good time, and it went quite smoothly.

The one bummer was that Shoshana had a pretty severe allergic reaction, which prevented her from joining. It was very disappointing, and we had to get over that too, but we’ll find a creative way to fix it.

I know I’ve said it before, but I struggle with the stage I’m in. No little kids. Family photos, what’s the point? But I’m glad I was reminded that this stage is great too, and I never want to take for granted what’s right in front of me.

Something else that’s absolutely crazy: while all of you on the East Coast are freezing and dealing with an extreme winter, we’re having the mildest winter I’ve experienced in the nineteen years I’ve been here. Of course, the year we plan for a winter photo shoot, fully expecting February to be deep in winter, we find ourselves with very little snow and a very non-winter situation (at least compared to what we’re used to). So we went searching for snow, and if you go high enough up the mountain, you find it.

In honor of Chaya being home, we ended the day with a delicious sushi dinner (our version of going out to eat) and a movie night. I usually save those for trips, but we’ve got to live a little, and I was feeling spontaneous and in the mood to be a fun mom :).

Lots of ups and downs this weekend, and you know what? I’m here for it. You can’t have the ups without a little bit of the downs.

Love,

Chavie

I hope we’ll get to look back at this time and say, “Wow, remember when…,” but right now we’re in the second week of “social distancing” or “quarantining” due to the COVID-19 virus.

In some moments I think, “I got this,” and in others I’m completely overwhelmed and experience waves of anxiety. Today was a particularly hard day. I’m not sure why it ended up that way. Maybe I was off. Maybe it was because it was snowing and felt even more cooped up. Who knows? But it was hard.

I’ve mentioned before that one of my daughters has extreme anxiety when taking tests. Today she had to take a makeup test, and boy oh boy, it did not go well. I really thought that this time we were going to get through it positively. We reviewed for a few days, made charts, wrote summaries, and even talked openly about her test anxiety and how to manage it. She was ready.

She looked at her test today, and everything we practiced, everything we worked on, went out the window in an instant. It’s hard to describe what that looks like. It’s so primal. She just loses control, screaming, yelling, and crying for hours.

In the beginning, I did a pretty good job trying to hold her emotions and offer support, but she just wasn’t in a space for anything rational. After going round and round for a long time, I lost it and did not act in a way that makes me proud.

Now, with the house quieted down and the kids in bed, I can reflect. I realize that I do have tools I’ve learned that I didn’t use when they were needed most.

Many of you have either read or heard me talk about Brad Reedy. He’s the clinical director of Evoke Therapy, the wilderness program our daughter Shoshana attended, and he’s written some amazing books (you can see them here: https://amzn.to/2UkS8fM). One of the most valuable tools I learned from working with the Evoke team and Shoshana was the “I Feel” statement.

It’s crazy how powerful this communication tool is, and I want to share it with you. Just remember, initially it may feel awkward, so be kind to yourself through the process. Slowly but surely, it will feel more natural. As I just told you, I didn’t use it today when it could have been really helpful, but it’s not too late. Tomorrow, when we’re calm, I’m going to ask for a do-over and give it a try.

I figured this would be a great time to talk about this concept.

The life circumstances we’re all experiencing are so unique and challenging. Most of us are stuck at home in confined spaces, with no clear end to this shutdown in sight. Having a communication tool in our back pocket can’t be a bad thing 😊.

So here I go. What’s the “I Feel” statement, and how does it work?

The “I Feel” statement allows two people to connect while also remaining separate. It’s the ideal balance in a healthy relationship: connection and separation at the same time.

The “I Feel” Statement

I feel __________ (emotion)
I feel this when __________ (description of event)
I feel this way because I think __________ (beliefs / interpretations / perceptions)
A hope within my control __________
A hope outside my control __________

One of the most common mistakes we make in the first part of the “I Feel” statement is adding the word “like” or “that,” as in “I feel like…” or “I feel that….” Using “like” and “that” turns it into a thinking exercise rather than sharing a feeling. So keep it simple and stick to an emotion.

The next part, “I feel this when…,” allows you to add your thoughts and give context to the feeling you’ve named. It can be helpful to imagine yourself as an outside observer of the event you’re describing. Otherwise, we can be tempted to influence or manipulate the listener. After describing the event dispassionately, you’ll have a chance to explain why you’re feeling the way you do in the next step.

For me, this is one of the hardest things to keep in mind. I have to make sure I don’t sneak in a lecture or repeat the same ideas in different forms to get my point across. Doing so would be an abuse of the spirit of the “I Feel” statement. It’s a mistake to use it to control behavior rather than to express yourself authentically and create emotional connection.

The next step is to distinguish internally between what is in your control and what is not. This gives you a chance to focus on your own wants, hopes, and needs. For parents, this can be especially difficult. We spend so much time focusing on getting our kids to change or deciding what their needs and wants are that we often lose sight of where they end and where we begin.

When we clarify what we do have control over and what we don’t, it can go a long way toward freeing us from guilt and unnecessary power struggles.

The final step allows us to express hopes and desires without being manipulative. It’s like a demand-free wish list, with no expectation that the other person comply.

I’ll share one of the “I Feel” statements I used with Shoshana so you can see how this works. And by the way, you can use this framework to express something positive or negative.

I feel hurt.
I feel hurt when you don’t let me hug you or get close to you.
I feel this way because it feels like you’re rejecting me and have a problem with me.
A hope within my control is to let you know how I feel when you shut me out.
A hope outside my control is that you can accept the love I want to give you.

I feel joy.
I feel joy when I see you being a great and loving sister.
I feel this way because nothing warms my heart more than seeing my children get along, especially given the unique way our family was created.
A hope within my control is to take things one moment at a time, enjoy the times you love your siblings, and be okay with the times you don’t.
A hope outside my control is that you’ll always be able to treat your siblings with respect and recognize how much they look up to you.

There is obviously so much more to say and explore when it comes to the “I Feel” statement, but I hope this is a good start :).

This is an amazing communication tool for anyone in your life. It’s not specific to a parent-child relationship.

Happy feeling!

Chavie

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Well, I thought I would be writing something very different today, but life is always throwing unexpected experiences at me. I’m on my way home from the yoga retreat I attend every year in Sayulita, Mexico, and I was supposed to make a detour in New York for my grandmother’s shloshim, marking the traditional thirty days of mourning since her passing.

I went to the airport at 4:00 AM, boarded my flight to Mexico City at 6:00 AM (worst airport ever), and was scheduled to catch a 9:00 AM connecting flight to JFK with a five-hour layover. When I arrived in Mexico City, I found out that my flight was delayed from 9:00 AM to 7:50 PM, which would get me into New York at 1:00 AM, causing me to miss my Bubby’s shloshim, which was scheduled for 5:00 PM.

So disappointed.

I called my husband, and he said he could get me on a flight to Denver within an hour, and from there, on a flight to Bozeman. I had to make the decision then and there. Waiting eleven hours in Mexico City to land in New York in the middle of the night, still miss the shloshim, and then turn around a few hours later to fly home to Bozeman made very little sense. So I decided to pivot.

I changed terminals, went back through security, walked and ran literally miles, and made the Denver flight by the skin of my teeth. Now I’m on the flight from Denver to Bozeman, my third flight of the day, and not even ending up where I was “supposed” to be.

My luggage, however, is headed to New York, with no one to speak to at Aeroméxico. I had sent my wigs to get worked on, thinking I would pick them up during my twenty-four hours on the ground in New York. Now they’re stuck there, and I don’t know what the next step is.

I didn’t have much time to think or process because I was just doing what I had to do. But now I’m on the plane, on my way home, and I’m really sad. I really wanted to be there.

If you read the essay I wrote about my Bubby a few weeks ago, you know that I couldn’t make it to her funeral or shiva, and I really wanted to. I put a lot of effort and money into making this happen, and yet Hashem has a different plan. I guess it’s a good thing that I’m coming from a yoga retreat.

Life’s been intense for me lately (since 2006 ;)), and I had some very profound experiences at the retreat. We are ever evolving, and I can really feel when layers and protections get peeled away. I’ve had a lot of opportunities to exercise my trust muscles, but there’s another part to this that’s always been stickier for me.

I’ve always been really good at trusting in G-d, and I also really want solutions. I want to know how to navigate problems. I want answers. I want to know what to do. What I deeply felt this week was the invitation to truly surrender. To not have the answers. To not know what to do. To simply let things be. To be humble enough to say “I don’t know” to myself, and at the same time truly embody my essence and step into my power.

My daughter, Shoshana, is engaged to a non-Jew. Here’s what I know: I love her with my whole heart, and I do not know how everything will play out. I don’t have the answers. I don’t know what G-d’s master plan is, but I know He has one.

I surrender.

Hashem, I trust You. And apparently, You believe in me too.

I believe that I am exactly the right mother for my children. I know that I’m doing my best. I don’t always know how to go about it, and that’s ok, right? :)

I will breathe, slow down, and find alignment in my mind, body, and soul.

I’ve learned some new tools to find that alignment, and they are powerful. I learned a new practice to breathe into all my chakras, to pay attention to the ones that feel a little sticky or out of sync.

This might sound crazy, but it is Chassidus embodied. Taking all the concepts we learn and bringing them into our bodies, which in turn allows us to impact our behavior in the most real and practical way as we grow.

So as I land in Bozeman, I am sad. I can lean into it and feel it, and yet I am also grounded and aligned. I can handle it.

I surrender.

There’s a reason, and I honor it.

Hopefully my suitcase will make its way back to me one of these days :).

Love,

Chavie

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